I think this story is pretty cool, but doesn't fully reach its potential. The beginning of the story: Great. Loved it, the pacing was better than I'd expected, which becomes a problem later on, but in the beginning, I liked your setup. I kind of see how you were trying to portray loner, but it was a little hazy. If I'd done his character I'd have gone with a less revealing character, which is what his attitude seems to say, but you tell me too much about him for that. Startup of the rising action: First off, your story, while having a very basic form of rising action, but you do it fairly well in the beginning, The part with the huntmaster was paced okay, and the chemistry between Kelly and the Loner was beginning to hit off well, but that brings me to another point. Loner says constantly that he can't be in a relationship, but, other than saying that, he isn't trying to push her away at all, when it would, in my oppinion, at least, be better if he stayed more consistant with his Loner polocies, which he seems to be serious, in mind, about. Where it started to fall apart: The pacing between Huntmaster and Four arms was choppy and almost non-existant, they beat Huntmaster, got in the car, and got kidnapped by Four arms. The trials: They were cool ideas, but again, pacing in this part seems to fall apart. Put some more dialogue between Loner and Four Arms maybe, or something, but what happened here was this: Kill the rat. Good. Watch them fight. Okay, that was a bit of a streatch, what you just did, but I'll let it pass. Fight the guards. Well shit, didn't think you'd ever get that far. Ummmm... fight me to the death! It all happened very fast, slow down, we all have time if we are reading books online. I haven't read far past that, I'll finish my review when I've read more if you'd like. Overall: I love love love love your premise. The ideas you have in this are so very cool. Its like dominantly borderlands (gonna' guess that had a lot of influence with this) but with a taste of the lightning thief. You did a lot very well, but you need to touch up on some stuff. dominantly the pacing later on in the story. Also, make the kills more practical. Please. He stabbed his Kukri straight through his face... maybe not. Just take this in mind, or don't, it is your writing, if you ever write more stories, which you definitely should. Keep up the good work