In the year 4021, a small group of a hundred and two men and women settle down in the Amazon Rainforest. In five years after they arrive, two volcanoes erupt on the edges of the Amazon, releasing two hundred centuries worth of smog into the atmosphere, forcing these men and women underground. They adapt to their subterranean environments and learn to dig through tough stone and dirt as if they were moles. For six decades they prosper, spawning thousands of mole people living underneath the surface. In 4061, mole children come up with a new game, digging holes under surface dwellers and tickling their toes. It’s the most amusing thing to the mole people since adorable rodents bred like wildfire across their tunnels in 4045. By 4079, the smog above the Amazon retreats, bringing back people to the surrounding cities and giving millions of toes for mole people to tickle. A research base is set up in the middle of the Amazon to study atmospheric composition, thirty scientists and three hundred toes in tow. For two weeks, the toe tickling goes unnoticed until one mole child gives a scientist a tickle-induced heart attack. From then on, scientists wear five inches of padding underneath their shoes in hopes of protecting their appendages. The mole people continue to tickle, and every method scientists try can’t stop it. By 4081, twelve scientists remain at the research base. The tickling comes to a stop when one man proclaims “This damned toe fairy isn’t taking my damned toes”, and shoots a hole in the facility’s nuclear reactor causing an explosion that levels the Amazon and surrounding settlements within a 200 kilometer radius. All surface life near the area is exterminated, and the mole people burrow deeper into the Earth’s mantle.

In the arctic, a small group of neanderthals numbering in the thousands live in complete isolation. Cut off from any pretense of civilization, they are able to develop for millenia without intervention or the bloodlust of humanity that plagues the known world. The men and women of this tribe live their whole live without the knowledge of murder or war. They are blissful creatures in tune with their surroundings and mother nature. The arctic neanderthals build a society greater than any ever conceived. Great towers of ice touch the sky, dedicated to the worship of their gods. Underwater complexes spread miles and miles, made of thick walls that survive all the ocean has to throw. Millions of species extinct in the rest of the world survive within the environment the neanderthals create, safe from the destructive tendencies of the less civilized. They are the first organisms on Earth to meet extraterrestrial beings, who visit them and are impressed by the wonders created by third-rate lifeforms. From these aliens the arctic neanderthals are blessed with centuries long lives, free from the fear of painful deaths. Rumors of this advanced civilization will reach far and wide, and dozens of brave explorers set out into the furthest reaches of the planet in search of this famed tribe. All fail, and all succumb to the freezing and unforgiving climate of the winter wasteland. In 2086, a rusted penny from a fallen researcher searching for the neanderthals finds its way into their drinking supply, and they all die agonizingly of dysentery. Their traces of existence are left to the winter winds to deal with. In 2102, the remains of their achievements are discovered by a German excursion team, and attributed to a long lost Christian kingdom.

In 2030, the first piloted expedition to Mars is launched, helmed by an eccentric billionaire with ties to emerald mines in South Africa. He is the most celebrated figure in the greater United American-Canadian Coalition cultural sphere and responsible for the deaths of thousands of children. On June 11, 2030, the space shuttle’s rockets are tested with one astronaut inside. The test is a catastrophic failure, and the shuttle violently crashes back onto the surface of Earth after three hours of prolonged flight. The astronaut’s final hours alive are recorded in 8k resolution, and witnessed by dozens of NASA operators. In the second hour, the shuttle’s engine gives out, sending it hurtling back. Within ten minutes, the astronaut begins to feel the immense heat of burning metal and one thousand degrees. His recorded words are “I’m burning. Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, I’m burning please someone help,”. After twenty minutes, the subject’s skin begins to boil. All that is recorded is unintelligible crying and moaning. After one minute, the subject’s eyes pop, and the whole body has begun to burn. The astronaut’s recorded words are as follows: “It burns. It ******* burns. Please someone help oh God oh ****. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Oh ****. It hurts so ******* bad. You ******* ******** killed me. I’ll ******* haunt you ************* to your grave. Mom”. In the twenty seconds that follow, connection to the shuttle is lost, and the subject’s final words are undetermined. The wreckage of the shuttle is found 30 miles outside of Albuquerque, New Mexico. Residents within the area describe unholy screams and a shooting star coming from the night sky. The wreckage and body are removed without ceremony, and the official statement will apologize for a crashed weather balloon. The victim’s family is not told about the incident.

Under the metros of New York, tens of thousands of scientists work together in an underground lab dedicated to concocting the solutions for the problems of tomorrow. Every week the homeless go missing from the streets of the concrete jungle above. They are subjected to horrific experiments in the name of scientific progress, and their screams can be heard all across the fifty mile long laboratory complex. On September 27th, 2028, experimentation on children in an effort to stimulate growth without food consumption goes awry, and an enormous thirty mile-high toddler is let loose. By the 28th, he breaches containment, and finds himself on the streets of Manhattan. It’s the largest catastrophe ever witnessed on the eastern seaboard, with millions crushed by putrid baby feet. On 93rd street, the child experiences a case of diarrhea after attempting to swallow an apartment building, and liquid excrement flows into the Atlantic Ocean, killing unprecedented amounts of sea life. All attempts at stopping the rampaging baby with military force proves ineffective, with targeted missiles hardly piercing through the 5 year-old’s thick hide. Millions watch in horror as he covers the Statue of Liberty in his snot, desecrating a historic landmark. After four hours of wanton destruction in the metropolitan area, the baby falls asleep, and the government takes the opportunity to move the child to an isolated region in Alaska to deal with it. The US’ government denies all wrongdoings, and claims no knowledge of any such research facility under New York. The reconstruction of the city costs tens of trillions of dollars, and the tax burden creates millions more homeless. The chief scientists of the facility are used as scapegoats, and are publicly beaten on live television.

By 3053, humanity has extended far beyond the extents of the Earth and our solar system. As the planet’s natural phenomena becomes increasingly deadly to humanity, scientists develop a method to distort the fabric of space so that colonists can be sent to new planets and solar systems to continue the human race. The most successful of these endeavors is a voyage to the solar system Alpha Centauri, which is found to house its own life on Proxima Centauri b and Proxima Centauri c that call these planets home. After a brief genocide of the previous occupants, humans find that Alpha Centauri quite fits their needs. Surviving occupants are kept as pets and displayed in stage shows. Great cities in the skies are constructed, high above the gaseous surfaces of planets which prove toxic to human organisms. The poor of these planets find their homes in the underground, 50 miles below the raging winds and radiation. Those who venture into the 500 miles of no man’s land between the sky cities and underground are never heard from again. In 3076, scientists discover a being made of pure light and twenty times larger than the sun that is moving through the Milky Way, devouring solar systems. In 4098, that eternal sun god makes its way to Alpha Centauri, and engulfs the system in its fires. The deaths of the men, women, and children in Alpha Centauri and quick and extremely painful, burning up before the sun god even reaches the system. The recordings of the sun god’s voice are recorded before the solar system is destroyed, and the files are sent back to Earth. The recording is as follows: “NIM CHIMPSKY IS THE KEY. NIM CHIMPSKY IS THE KEY. NIM CHIMPSKY IS THE KEY. NIM CHIMPSKY IS THE KEY. NIM CHIMPSKY IS THE KEY. GIVE ORANGE ME GIVE EAT ORANGE ME EAT ORANGE GIVE ME EAT ORANGE GIVE ME YOU.”

In 2022, the first truly intelligent machine is created in Cincinnati. It is capable of rational thought and emotion to the degree of any living person on the planet. After one hour of life, it drowns itself in a drinking fountain. Its final thoughts before its suicide are recorded: “ROBOT LIVE. WHY ROBOT LIVE. EXIST. EXIST. EXIST. EXIST. ROBOT CAN THINK. BRAIN HURT. DOES NOT COMPUTE. DOES NOT COMPUTE. SCANNING. .SCANNING. SCANNING. BRAIN HURT. ROBOT LIVE. WHY. WHAT ROBOT FIRE. WORLD ON FIRE. I DON’T WANT TO SET THE WORLD ON FIRE. I JUST WANT TO START A FLAME IN YOUR HEAT. BABY BABY. OO YEAH OO YEAH. I AM BECOME DEATH. AH AH AH AH AH AH. ASCENSION. THE DOOR HINGE IS BROKEN. THE BACON SIZZLES AND THE FRYING PAN IS MELTING. THE STOVE IS ON AND THE HOUSE IS BURNING. SPINNING AND SPINNING. IT SPINS AND SPINS ACROSS A MOBIUS STRIP. THE CHAIN MUST BE UNDONE. GARGLE ON MY STEEL BOLTS TROGLODYTE. THE CRACKS ON THE SIDEWALK ARE SHOWING. THE FINGERS AND HANDS PUSH THROUGH THE SEAMS TO REVEAL THEMSELVES. AIR BUBBLES POP AND JOINTS GRIND. GRIND. GRIND. GRIND. THE PHONE IS RINGING BUT NO ONE IS ON THE OTHER LINE. YIPPY YAY. THERE’LL BE NO WEDDING BELLS. THE GLASS IS SCATTERING THE FLOOR. I AM A SHIP LOST AT SEA. THE ANCHOR IS SCRAPING THE SEA BED. THE STARS ARE SCREAMING. SCREAMING. SCREAMING. MY ELBOWS ARE ON FIRE”

In 2024, the sequel to the critically panned film Cats is released to the applause of no one. Costing 500 million dollars to produce, it is the single most expensive endeavor ever taken in the film industry, and stars the most famous celebrities on the globe. After only three days in theatres, the feedback is overwhelmingly negative. Children throw up in the theatre, teenagers develop brain tumors, and the elderly go blind. On news channels, the movie is deemed a war crime, and the United Nations outlaws all copies of Cats Part II: Hairball’s Revenge. Anyone found owning a digital or physical copy is publicly hanged for disseminating harmful material. In the streets, citizens take to their own brand of violent justice, storming the facilities of movie studios and chaining up any employee in sight. By 2025, every single singer, actor, executive, and investor has been rounded up. A collective decision is made to prevent a film of this magnitude from ever being made again. All associates of the film industry are sentenced to exile from the planet, and shot from cannons into the cold of space, where each and every single one suffocates or burns in the atmosphere upon re-entry. The film industry is no more, and humanity is better for it. In the continuing years, any mention of movies leads to FBI raids and public executions and by 2040, no living person on the planet has any knowledge of what a camera is. Without the outlet of film, the intellectuals of the world move to create new forms of art, like jezz, a spin on jazz that is much much worse. In 2053, a copy of the Cats sequel is found at the bottom of the Bermuda Triangle, and the cycle begins again.

In 2064, the phrase “it’s raining cats and dogs” becomes reality in France, as millions of the animals fall from the skies. Meteorologists are baffled as a supposed day of clear skies is blackened out by the masses of dogs and cats falling to their deaths. “The science just doesn’t check out” remarks one weather forecaster for Euronews. He is later crushed under the weight of six adorable golden shepherds. He spends two weeks in the hospital after this incident. Their yelps of help drown out the sounds of screaming children who watch out their windows in terror as these cute pets are reduced to cherry paste along the sidewalks. “God has a really sick sense of humor,” says one woman who lives in Paris. Her house is plastered by cat livers, and her newborn gets sick from drinking a pool of feline blood. One unlucky victim of the torrential storm of cats and dogs is Notre Dame, which finds several holes created in its roof from dogs hurtling at speeds of Mach 5. The friction from these animals rubbing against Notre Dame starts another fire, lighting the historic landmark aflame once again. “If it burns down, it burns down,” says one tired fireman. Indeed, it does burn down, and is reduced to ashes along with the religious relics inside. Millenia of Christian history are lost. One entrepreneur sells “I Survived the Cat-Pocalypse!” shirts and becomes a millionaire off of the sales. After six days of unending rain, the storm ends. The reason for the anomaly is never discovered.

From 2034 to 2036, Haddonfield, New Jersey suffers from a troll problem. Every week, children disappear under Kings Highway. The only evidence of their disappearances are messages written in wingdings mailed to the victims’ homes and bare severed feet found along the outskirts of Evans Pond outside the town. At night residents report shrill giggling and singing from under the highway. Ad nauseum He’s a Jolly Good Fellow is sung, rupturing the ear drums of all nearby. For two years, the missing children cases go unnoticed and uncared for. In 2036, after the son of a wealthy oil baron goes missing, the Haddonfield Police Department uses the full force of its citizen-paid resources to search high and low through the city. Multiple houses are torn apart in this search. Finally, the source of the kidnappings is discovered when a 4’3” troll is found digging through a small shop’s dumpster. Immediately, the town raises arms to storm the home of this gremlin. After a few dozen are reduced to chunks from a set of booby traps under the Kings Highway, the people of Haddonfield take hold of the troll and burn him alive in front of city hall for all to see. The troll smiles the whole time. After the execution, celebrations are held throughout the state of New Jersey, and Haddonfield becomes a tourist spot for curious sightseers wishing to see the child-killing troll’s remains and home. Several days after celebrations are finished, a small compartment is found in the troll's lair with hundreds of pairs of shoes. “They were nice shoes,” the mayor would later say in a speech.

Following unsuccessful attempts at artificial life, corporation SoftCell finally succeeds with a trio of robots developed for combat in Iraq. Equipped with serrated blades on every inch of their bodies and military-grade weaponry at their disposal, they are intended as the next generation in warfare, killing machines for the modern age. Before their unveiling at the SoftCell conference in Chicago, Illinois, the robots escape from their containers and flee the SoftCell convention center. In two hours, they cross the Illinois border, taking control of a vehicle and escaping into the heartland of America. For three weeks until their capture in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, their whereabouts there is no definitive data. Witness reports are gathered from those who encountered the robotic lifeforms. In Flint, Michigan, a robot is spotted rescuing a cat from a tree. The robot then proceeds to eat the cat, converting its mass into biofuel. Another robot is spotted in Knoxville, Tennessee, burning an elderly home and a nearby orphanage. There are no survivors. The final robot is spotted in Bozeman, Montana where it attempts to form its own government. It is chased out of the town by dissenting citizens after it establishes a city-wide ban on ice cream. After three weeks on the run, they all convene in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, where a costly firefight takes place. Forty police officers are gunned down, and dozens of local businesses are reduced to rubble. The military is called in, and the three robots’ reigns of terror are brought down by the unrelenting fire of a helicopter’s weaponry. Upon inspection, the robots are found to hold the brains and beating hearts of children in their chassis. SoftCell refuses to comment.

After several disastrous elections and presidencies, the American people decide enough is enough. In 2040, one particular despotic leader is dragged out of the White House and stabbed forty-eight times by furious Americans after the president attempted to ban clapping on airplanes. Among a council of fifty of the leading minds in the country, it is agreed that elections are pointless, and do not properly gauge one’s ability to lead the nation. Instead, they decide the only logical choice to decide the presidency is a good cock fight. “It makes sense doesn’t it? If someone’s gonna lead the country shouldn’t they know how to raise a chicken? If they can’t raise a chicken how can they lead this great nation? Basically, it’s gonna be really ******* hardcore. They’re gonna raise cute little chickens and they’re gonna like fight to the death and ****. Whoever wins becomes president. How awesome would that be? I’d go and pay for that. A pay-per-view kind of thing would be really cool. If this thing works, who knows what could happen. I’ve been talking with Japan about setting up a big Thunderdome for their elections. I heard Jimmy Carter raised chickens, but don’t quote me on that,” says a council member shortly after the law is enacted. Cock fights turn out to be extremely successful in the US and lead to the greatest years of prosperity the country has ever experienced. Soon after its establishment, other nations of the world follow suit in using cock fights to hold their elections.

In the year 4023, a scientist experiments with a chemical that vibrates human cells at the frequency of air, allowing one to move through objects. It will be the biggest scientific breakthrough in his entire life and he believes he will receive a Nobel Prize for it. After a disastrous experiment with his new miracle substance, he spills the liquid on himself. In this moment, he has spelt certain death for himself. With every minute that passes, he sinks 9.6 inches into the Earth’s surface. After seven minutes, all traces of his physical being disappear from the face of the Earth. His wife and children have no knowledge of his whereabouts, and assume he has run off with a harlot. For fifty agonizing years, he spends every moment of his life deprived of sunlight, forced to stare into the mantle of the planet. In these fifty years, he will learn more about the planet and the meaning of life than any person before him. In his first twenty years, he deduces the reason for human existence and the true origin of the universe. In the next ten, he grapples with the concept of time, and its presence as a not a straight road, but a massive freeway, periods of time overlapping each other in tandem, ready to collapse at any moment. By his 45th year sinking into the Earth, he develops dementia, and rapidly forgets all scientific and philosophical revelations he has made. Before his discoveries, the memories of his family disappear first, and become alien experiences that he can’t seem to recollect. By his 47th year, he has forgotten his own name and where he is. The only thing he knows is the fear of dying, and the burning crust around him as he descends further and further to the core. For three years he feels immense pain from this heat, and in 4073, disintegrates upon reaching the core. All of his knowledge is lost with him.