Voices In My Head | Teen Ink

Voices In My Head

October 26, 2021
By HEgner24, Warren, Ohio
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HEgner24, Warren, Ohio
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Favorite Quote:
"First rule of truly living: do the thing you're most afraid of."- Rebekah Mikaelson(The Vampire Diaries)

Author's note:

I’ve always loved writing, and this is one of my favorite pieces I’ve written. I relate to this character. She has many emotions and thoughts, and overall is still a teenager. I hope you can relate to her as well(not too much though). Overall, this piece was very fun to write. Also, this is my first time posting something on Teen Ink, I hope you like it!

“BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!” my alarm screamed, forcing me to wake. That, and the chill of the cool October wind coming from my (apparently opened) window. As I wake, the sound continues to pound into my skull. My head feels like it is about to explode. Somehow, my alarm sounded a lot louder than usual, or maybe it is just my massive headache. 

A million thoughts are running through my head; What did I do last night? Did I get drunk? No, I never drink. Unless… no, never mind. Why is the window open? I never open the window. Whatever happened last night, I feel like I got hit by a bus-no, a train.

I force myself out of bed and continue to get ready for school. I'm really not feeling it today. I put on my favorite hoodie and some leggings (typical me). I go into the bathroom to “do my hair” when I start to feel dizzy. For a split second, everything goes fuzzy. I start to feel weak in the knees until I hear my mom yell “Addison! Are you almost ready? The bus will be here soon!” 

Suddenly, I feel fine. I don’t know what happened, but I’m sooooo glad it did… not. I really didn’t wanna go to school today. 

I answered my mom, “Yeah, I’m coming!” So I grabbed my AirPods and trudged down the stairs. As I was approaching the bottom, I caught my mom shoving something into the garbage. “What’s that?” I asked, even though I knew exactly what it was. 

“Nothing, honey,” she said.

“He’s drinking again, isn’t he?” I asked.

“Addison, you don’t need to worry about your father, okay? It’s not your job to keep him in check. Just get ready for school.”

“Fine,” I said and went into the kitchen. I can’t stand my father sometimes. For years, he hasn’t been around, he drinks constantly and he leaves his crap everywhere. I can’t stand it. He just expects us to always be here for him. Well, one day he's gonna get a rude awakening when we stop cleaning up his mess.  

I grab a granola bar and start to head out the door when I start to feel dizzy again. What is wrong with me, I thought.

 “Are you okay honey?” my mom asked. 

“Yeah, fine,” I said, but I really didn’t know.

On the bus, I sat with someone I never talk to, across from my ex-best friend, as always. Lucky me, right? I just put my AirPods in, listen to Olivia Rodrigo, and pretend I’m alone. Just me… and the girl who made me feel like crap, Brooke.

As soon as I get off the bus, everything goes fuzzy. Again. I start to go wobbly, so instinctively, I grab something to keep myself stable...which happened to be some guy’s arm. Lovely.

“Are you good?” he asked. 

“Yeah, sorry,” I said, trying to avoid eye contact.

“Bro, you should probably go to the nurse. You don’t look… healthy.”

“Yeah, probably. Thanks,” I said, attempting to be nice. I should probably go to the nurse, but what’s the point? She’s not gonna do anything except tell me to sit down for like a half an hour, then tell me to go back to class. So I’m just gonna have to try to tough it out. 

RIIIIINNNNGGG. There goes the bell for first period, another bullet to my head. When is this gonna stop? Grudgingly, I walk to class. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to look at or talk to anyone. But of course, she is right next to me in the hallway, as always. I swear, I can’t escape this girl. She’s everywhere. 

I wish we’d never met her. She needs to disappear. 

Why did I just think that? That’s horrible. Yeah, she hurt me, but I still care about her. More than she knows… I would never wish harm on her. Ever. What is wrong with me?

I try to walk faster, avoiding her at all costs. Not paying attention to where I am going, I run into her. “Hey!…,” she says, “Oh... it’s you... “

“Sorry…” I mumble. 

“It’s fine…” she says. 

She’s just saying that because she feels sorry for you. She’s better off without you. You’re pathetic.

“You know what, no, I don’t need your pity. I know, I’m pathetic, but you can treat me like a normal person!” I shout out at her. Crap. Why did I say that?

“I…I didn’t….sorry….” she stuttered.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know where that came from. I haven’t felt good all morning.”

“It’s fine,” she says. 

I nod awkwardly and start to walk away. Suddenly I get a shooting pain in my head as a flash of pictures flood my vision. There’s the party I was at, by the graveyard. I can feel the chill of the wind in the dark night. This is good, I’m starting to remember what happened last night. Hopefully, more memories will come, because I still have no idea what’s happening to me. 

My first couple of periods went by like always. I barely paid attention to whatever my teacher was saying and just kept trying to remember what had caused the monstrosity of pain trapped in my skull. Finally, after hours of torture, I get to eat...after I stand in the lunch line for an hour of course. I’m halfway through the endless line when I start to feel dizzy again. It’s probably just the famine happening inside me. I keep getting dizzier, and dizzier when I finally get my food. I try to hurry to my table before I pass out, but I’m too late. My knees give out and I collapse onto my food...In front of everyone. The next thing I know, I’m in the principal’s office. No idea why, but it can’t be good. 

“Excuse me, miss, why am I here?” I ask the secretary timidly. 

“You’re joking, right?” she says, “Well, you threw food at multiple students, insulted them repeatedly, and tried to walk out of the building. Ring any bells?”

Oh my god. What did I do? When? Why? HOW? I would never do that. I can’t tell her I don’t remember though. She’ll think I’m crazy or lying.  What should I do?

“Okay…” I say, silently panicking. The principal peeks his head around his door.

“Reynolds, come in,” he says.

My hands are shaking. No, my whole body is shaking. I’ve never done this before. I’m a good kid, right? I don’t know what is wrong with me.

“So, you had a little episode today I heard, is that right?”

“You could say that…” I said truthfully.

“Very well. What do you have to say about it?” He asked very seriously. I can’t do this. He’s gonna suspend me no matter what I say. My mom’s gonna kill me. 

“I…” I start, but I find it difficult to breathe. Tears start to fill my eyes. “I really don’t know what happened… The last thing I remember is passing out on my tray…” I say, trying to be honest.

“Addison, I know you were embarrassed, but you need to keep your emotions in check. The nurse made sure you felt okay before sending you here, now stop with this nonsense,” he said sternly.

My eyes are about to burst. Please let me go. Please let me go.

“I know you and Brooke used to be friends, and no, I don’t know what happened between you two, but you need to talk it out, okay?”

Crap. What did I do to Brooke? She’s never gonna want to talk to me again. What is wrong with me?

“I’m really sorry, I’ve just had a horrible day, and I don’t know what’s going on with me, and I really just want to pretend this didn’t happen. Just please don’t call my parents, I’m begging you. Give me whatever punishment you want, just please don’t tell them.” If either of them found out, I would be in big trouble. My mom would be so mad, and who knows what my dad would do.

With a big sigh, he says, “Since this is your first time ever causing any trouble, I’ll let you off the hook with detention. Okay?”

“Okay, thank you. Can I go?” I say as fast as possible.

“Yes, but if this happens again I’m calling them, okay? Now please don’t let this happen again.”

“Okay,  thank you...I won’t…” but I wasn’t so sure about it. 

I start walking back to class when I’m struck with yet another flash of memory. This time I was in a building, at the cemetery. I was alone in what I thought was a crypt. My family’s crypt. It was dark, eerily dark. Something was definitely off about it. Somehow, I ended up in this narrow crook in the wall. And I felt the floor leave my feet. I fell, for what seemed like forever. Until I stopped. I had cut my hand on the fractured cement that was once beneath my feet. Without having to look, I knew it was gushing blood. My legs, also scraped and bloody, felt like jello. How far did I fall? Where am I?

Eventually, I got up. Unable to see anything, I walked with my arms out to attempt to figure out where I was and how to get out. Why had I gone to that stupid Halloween party anyway? It’s not like I talk to anyone that was there… not anymore at least. 

Suddenly I felt something solid in my path. I tried to feel what it was when the room lit up with fire. Then, I was back in the hallway. Yet another memory unfinished. I look at my hand, the cut is gone, same with the rest of me. I feel fine, except, of course, for my headache. What is wrong with me?

The rest of the school day is all a blur. I wasn’t paying attention in class and I probably looked like a zombie walking down the halls. Today has been the worst day of my life. By the time I get home, I don’t think I can handle any more stress.

“Hey honey, how was school?” my mom asks.

Not that she cares. She doesn’t care about you, why would she wanna hear about your day? She’s always too busy for you. Don’t burden her with your troubles. She has already put up with you and your dad enough.

“Fine… not that you care,” I mumble.

“Excuse me?” she says. I don’t know why I said that. Trying to avoid her, I start heading up the stairs. ”Addison! Get back here!”

“I’m sorry mom, I had a rough day. I don’t wanna talk,” I say as fast as I can to avoid bawling mid-sentence.

As soon as I get into my room, I rush to the internet. I type in, “What causes memory loss, blackouts, and flashes of memory?” Dementia? No. Alzheimer’s? No. Amnesia? I don’t think so. Mental disorder? Maybe, who knows. Ugh. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I fling myself backward onto my bed. Somehow, this triggers something. Suddenly, I remember everything…

After the room was lit by fire, I saw I had touched an ancient-looking pillar with weird inscriptions on it. The words “maga,” “proditor,” and “malum,” were written. It looked like a grave… but was even creepier than a normal grave would be… 

I start to hear this voice calling me. The voice sounded feminine, similar to my own, but older. Even though I don’t remember ever hearing it, it feels so familiar. I can’t quite put my finger on who it would be until I see the name on the pillar…

“Hello child,” the voice says, “welcome!” I stand there frozen not sure what to do. “Don’t be scared, it’s not like you’ll remember any of this tomorrow! Ahahahahaha!” she cackles. 

The rest of the conversation fades into darkness as I wake up. Like magic, everything makes sense to me. I know whose grave that was, my great, great grandma Raya’s. The whole town knows about her. She’s the reason the popular kids have their massive Halloween parties at that cemetery. To the public, that place is haunted, so it gives normal people, excluding myself, the illusion that they’re brave. Of course, it’s all an act, but it still boosts their image and hurts mine of course. She was supposed to be a witch, “maga” means witch in Latin. “Proditor” means traitor, maybe because she was said to have betrayed her “coven” because she did black magic or whatever. “Malum” means evil, because you know, all that juju. She also hated her family, so… that’s a check. It all makes sense now, I’m being possessed by my dead great, great grandmother…. Maybe, no, that's crazy… 

Is it? Suddenly, I feel a pain greater than I’ve ever felt before. The voice… it’s changing. It’s morphing into something I don’t recognize as my own. It is no longer my voice… It is hers.

So you finally figured it out. Congratulations. Don’t get too excited, I’m just getting started. I’m going to use you to make them suffer. Don’t worry, I don’t need you really, not consciously anyway. So have a nice nap sweetie. Night. Night. 

Suddenly everything goes black… 

“Addison? Addison?” I slowly wake up to the sound of my mom’s voice. I look out my window, and all I see is white.

“Did it snow?” I ask.

“Yes, it’s been snowing all week honey. Are you okay?”

“How long have I been asleep?” I ask.

“Umm, eight hours? Less? I’m not sure.”

“Oh... “ I don‘t know what’s happening. Wait….crap.

“What’s wrong?”

She won’t believe me if I tell her, but what choice do I have? This is going too far. 

“Umm,” I feel tears start to cloud my eyes, and I start to get choked up.

“What’s wrong honey? You know you can talk to me.”

I take a deep breath. “So… I have no idea how, but…. I think  great, great grandma Raya is inside of me…”

My mom just stares at me for a while. I can tell by the look on her face the gears are turning, and the questions are coming.

“Um… How? Why?” she said.

“Well, I was in the cemetery for that Halloween party, and somehow I ended up in her tomb… I’ve also been hearing voices and losing time and I’m really scared…”

“Okay… Well…. Maybe you are sick…”

No, you’re not sick. If she really loved you she would believe you.

“I’M NOT SICK! If you loved me you would believe me!” Why did I say that? “I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s happening to me…” I start to cry.

“Shhhh, it’s okay honey, calm down…” my mom says trying to stay calm, but I can sense the fear in her voice. She hugs me, trying to calm me down, but I can’t. I really want to just let her hold me and pretend everything is okay, but I know it’s not.

Enjoy this while you can, child. Your mom won’t be here the next time you wake up…

“STOP GET OUT OF MY HEAD!” I shout as I run to the wall. I slam my head against it, trying to make her dreadful voice go away. “MAKE HER STOP! PLEASE! GO AWAY!” I scream. 

My mom rushes over and drags me away from the wall. She tries to hold me down on the couch to calm me down, but it doesn’t help. “GET AWAY FROM ME! SHE'LL HURT YOU!”

“Shhh, it’s okay. Calm down, it’ll be okay. You won’t hurt me…”

“I CAN’T CALM DOWN! I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME! I CAN’T CONTROL MYSELF! SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS GOING TO KILL YOU!” I slide out of my mom’s arms and curl up into a ball. I begin to cry hysterically and am finding it hard to breathe. 

I notice my mom starting to walk towards the phone.

“No! Mom, please! I’m not crazy!” I shout as I begin to hear sirens. “I need some supernatural help! Putting me in an asylum won’t help me! PLEASE DON’T DO THIS!”

“I’m sorry honey, I just want you to get better… I didn’t know what else to do…”

They’re here… 

Men in uniforms start to come into my house and try to take me in an ambulance. “No, please! I’m not crazy!”

“We’re just here to help you, it’ll be okay,” they said. 

“I told my mom what’s wrong with me, I’m not crazy!”

“Your mom is just trying to help you, everything will be fine. We’re going to help you, but you need to calm down and come with us.” 

“No! I’ll NEVER get out of there! She’ll make me leave! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND, she takes over me! I won’t have control of myself!”

“That’s exactly why you need to come with us,” they say.

“No!… it’s why I need to leave and find someone who can actually help me,” I say then immediately take off.

I run and run, as fast as I can. I have to escape. I have to. I don’t know where I’m going, but anywhere is better than a mental hospital. I need to be as far away from my family, and people in general, because I won’t be able to control what she’ll do. I don’t know how much time I have left…

I start to feel extremely dizzy. No, no-no. Wait, let me go further!

You had your chance, it’s my turn.

I can feel her taking over. I know I don’t have much time left. I try to run, but it feels like my feet weigh a thousand pounds. Suddenly, I crash down to the ground. I can feel my consciousness slipping away as everything goes black….

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