The literal meaning of Lauren is “from the laurels.” Laurel leaves were prizes awarded the best of the best and the strongest of the strongest. Am I good enough to carry such a name? Can I live up to all it promises? My name is an honor yet it is also a weight.
         

I have conflicted feelings about Lauren. Lauren is persistence but also hardness. I see strength but I see stubbornness as well. I see free-flowing yellows but I also see stark reds and sharp lines. It gives me energy, but not without the price of churning expectations.
         

I was supposed to be named Grace. Grace sounds of femininity and light, while Lauren does not. Lauren is heavy and chunky sounding, like a rock rolling down a hill. L-AUR-en. It is spit out of the mouth rather than gently rolled off the tongue. When spoken, the mouth moves like a dog’s when he spits out something bitter. The two names are completely different.

I would’ve liked grace. But my aunt and uncle stole the name after my parents shared. Two babies, two cousins, two girls, and yet one name. Neither family fought with grace and neither family ended up with Grace.
         

The fight was the start of the familial strain that has built itself into a cloud that looms over me, and yet my mom says she’s grateful for it.
         

She says we all grow into our names in some way or another. She says she’s glad she named me Lauren and not Grace so I could be a strong woman in a man’s world. She wanted me to be able to hold myself up and she didn’t want people believing I was anything less than I was worth. It’s a name that stands tall against the wind. A name that stands up for oneself. A name that is strong willed and well accomplished. But yet, this again is both an honor and a weight. I’m only human, how can I embody all that my name promises?
         

I both like and don’t like my name. The very things I love about sit on my shoulders and swirl about the back of my mind whispering doubts. The expectations, the hopes, and the dreams my parents had for me when they originally picked the name have only grown. I’ve always wondered if another name would suit me better. Maybe I should have been named Grace. Nobody expects much from a Grace. She is but a fragile thing to be coddled.
         

But then again would Grace have gotten me to where I am today? I have never been treated like the delicate flower Grace. I was brought up strong and challenged. I enjoy the hard work and challenges that a Lauren would. Have I already grown into my name? It is all so confusing! Lauren is nothing to me, yet it is also quite obviously something.