My friends, I had not intended to discuss this controversial subject at this particular time. However, I want you to know that I do not shun controversy. On the contrary, I will take a stand on any issue at any time, regardless of how fraught with controversy it might be. You have asked me how I feel about waterproof mascara. All right, here is how I feel about waterproof mascara:
If when you say waterproof mascara you mean the thick, gelatinous, inky monster that glides along your lash line like an oil spill, ensnaring your eyelashes in an unrelenting tar so vile and devoid of mercy that even Medusa herself could not paralyze them so; if you mean the cosmetic criminal that wrenches eyelashes from even the most voluminously gifted eyes, leaving them bald and barren and bleak and unbecoming after being stripped of their impervious mask, then I am certainly against it.
But, if when you say waterproof mascara you mean the heavenly gift that generously allows you to bare your emotions and live your life fully and unapologetically by inspiring you to sweat and swim and ski and sing and scream and sob and see the world with fluttering, flirtatious eyes that will never be compromised by affection or anger or adventure or ambition because it fulfills its promise of staying put and perfect throughout all of your mascara wearing days, then certainly I am for it. This is my stand. I will not retreat from it. I will not compromise.