Again, welcome to Kyle’s Korner.
In this edition, I’ll be focusing on Halloween, which, perceptibly, is my favorite holiday.
There are roughly, according to the United States Census Bureau, 41 million trick or treaters yearly in the United States . It is this mass of children absorbed in thought of heaps of chocolate and sweets that compels me to fire up 3 chain saws, 2 fog machines, 8 strobe lights, and spread upwards of 50 body parts across my yard. I then cover myself in imitation blood, and proceed to frighten these treat engrossed children.
Why would I do all this? Simply so I can pry into their inner most fears. You see Halloween, for me, is not a holiday. No, no. For me, Halloween is almost like another birthday. The only difference is, instead of a nice new sweater, I’m given the gift of dozens of weeping children. What more could one want?
What you need to understand is that seeing children cry provides a sort of high for me. Watching those tears stream down their rosy cheeks just makes me warm inside. It’s comparable to scoring the winning point in any sport. This rush is more than enough to make me delve into the dark side of my mind and sprawl it across my yard.
The experience usually starts with one my friends hiding in my ditch. Most of the time this individual is armed with an axe or chain saw. Upon seeing the children, he pops out, yells a few select words, and ultimately scares them up towards the house. Now in dead sprint, the children are forced between trees which contain babies on meat hooks, along with other random scenes of gore. After filing between these trees, they reach me. Lord help them. Here I sit in wait, surrounded by fog and Christmas music. As soon as I see them I fire up my chain saw and emerge from the fog. What happens next is a combination of tears, screams, and, in some rare situations, defecation. This, all together, is exactly what I seek.
In conclusion, I must remind you not to judge it until you have tried it. I wish all a happy Halloween filled with tears, screams and the occasional, accidental bowel movement.
Aim low and to the right,