I feel so old. My soul has always been old. At least that is what I learnt seeing the kids of my age. Though the body in which this soul is trapped doesn't belong to a kid anymore or a teen who roams around the class gossiping. It belongs to 19 year old me. Frankly, I miss my 14 year old self the way 60 year old man misses 19 year old him having coffee in his hand, somewhere in the corner of the world. It seems simple but is pretty confusing.

 
I try digging deeper and deeper as to what exactly do I miss and why? These are the thoughts that stick to me, loitering, strolling in my mind whether I lay in my bed killing mosquitoes that bite me brutally or sit in front of the hot meal beholding the smoke rising out of it. Honestly, I can't say my childhood is crammed with pink toys, chocolates, cute little dresses or lots of gifts on my birthday. Rather, it's filled with memories I'm too ashamed to share or the words like "Grow up!". Half of my life is about wanting to grow up and have long hair while the rest is the true depiction of 'not wanting to grow up' and admiring short hair.

Fast forward, this is certainly not what I miss! In fact, I miss the 4 years gap between writing my very first story in grade one and the second one in fifth grade. I miss the empty pages as I flicker them trying to find the rest of the novel I started writing in 6th grade only to perceive it had ended with " To be continued" . I miss the paintings that were meant to be saved in 'My paintings' folder but remained undone, and I miss the stories in my mind that never made it to the paper. Yes! I miss what could've been here. I miss what had never been there before.

I still remember the time when I wrote my first story "The witch and a girl" in grade one and showed it to my teacher, she was really surprised and praised me a lot believing only I could write. I don't miss this memory! I marked it as " achievement" and put it in a vault in some part of my brain just like the memory of having record of always getting 1st in class till 7th grade.

I have come to realize that regret is the backbone of missing something or someone. Probably not always but yes, usually! We fail to believe that regret isn't always related to something worst that we did in our past but also not doing at all. In my case, I regret not writing when I knew I could and wasted all these years doing what everyone else did. Only If had let my mind write the stories it had carried all these years. Only If I had written poems when I wanted to instead of just staring at the walls, too shy to speak. Only if I had continued painting, I would've known where I would be standing! I let the opportunities slip and fall in the ditch, one by one. I can never 'achieve young' anymore, and so this one dream of mine is lost forever. These 11 years of doing "Study. Sleep. Repeat" would've proved effective only If I had fought procrastination that blocks the way of " Follow Your Heart".

I know I should be thankful since "Study. Sleep. Repeat" somehow managed to make me a university student. Four years from now, I throwing graduations hats in he air but if "Follow your heart" was added before "Sleep", I would have no regrets. These regrets have made holes in me, making me wanting to change the past, to leap through time, eventually leading me to miss my childhood. This is how I know, regret is the backbone of missing something.

I have a theory that as long as you're alive, you never actually lost anything. My theory was proven when I was sitting with my parents chatting with them thinking about these thoughts of missing something and regret. As I massaged their feet finding pleasure on their face, I felt a sudden change in my mood and all I could say in my mind was "Eureka!" I forgot I was actually missing something. That's when I found the cure of missing and having regrets. I found a way to knock down regrets by living the moment collecting smiles. That's how you kill regrets and don't miss the things that are missing from you. That's how you know, regret is the backbone of missing something.