Karma’s a Witch

In this world of rapidly advancing technology, all time highs in education, and plummeting poverty, it’s still hard to forget the bad things happening. There are all the classic issues we all know and love: global warming, the crumbling economy, pollution, overpopulation, world hunger, pollution, cancer, rise in mental disorders, the toxic political climate, more pollution, the list goes on. What many people don’t know, however, is that these issues are all caused by witches. You see, witches are amongst us today, and they are sabotaging our lives. The Salem witch trials was the closest we got to eradicating their species, but many people seem to have a negative impression of them.

One of the most publically controversial forms of investigation used during the salem witch trials is the “Witch’s cake” (Culture et al.). This method of witch-detection comprised of collecting urine from victims of witchcraft, baking it into a cake, and feeding it to a dog is claimed by many to be mere pseudoscience. After being fed the cake, if the dog suffered similar symptoms to the victims whose urine was in the cake, witchcraft was confirmed to be involved. The next person that the dog looked at would become the number one suspect of witchcraft. Dogs are known to be man’s best friend, which is why they stood up for us whilst the witches were trying to overthrow Salem.

The Salem witch trials were not only beneficial to Salem, but to the entirety of the United States itself. The U.S. would not exist today, if the Salem witch trials had not occured. People always give facts and evidence what talking about how bad and horrible the trails were (Blumberg), but evidence is subjective. Facts are subjective. You are subjective. If you don’t believe me, you are a witch. And remember: witches get stitches. The current political climate is not only ridiculous, it’s outright insane. The only possible reason for this is witchcraft.

The widening schism between the upper and lower classes, along with the greater divide between political parties should raise red flags for everyone. The tribalistic manner in which everyone takes sides and chooses teams is cause not only for concern but for fear. The reason for this happening is witchcraft. The Salem trials were intending to save the future human population (us) from witches. The failure of the witch trials at permanently eradicating witches has allowed witches to recover and infiltrate our society. Witches are everywhere - in the government, in the economy, in the air vents. So pull out your shotguns and wooden stakes, because we need to prepare for war. Now that they have power, the effects of the witches sabotage are setting in, causing these political, economic, societal, and environmental disasters. The Salem witch trials almost saved humanity, but we now have do deal with witches and all of their evil every day.

Works Cited:

"42 Wicked Facts About The Salem Witch Trials". Factinate, 2019, Accessed 22 Jan 2019

Blumberg, Jess. "A Brief History Of The Salem Witch Trials". Smithsonian, 2019, Accessed 22 Jan 2019

Culture, Pop et al. "15 Dark Truths You Didn't Know About The Salem Witch Trials". Therichest, 2019, Accessed 22 Jan 2019