CHICAGO – University of Illinois at Chicago President Timothy Killeen has “regretfully” informed the media that there may be no other option than to raise the tuition rate at the university.” He was informed by his accountant that he could not continue importing his prized Italian White Truffles due to budgetary limitations. Killeen insists that his Italian White Truffles are “imperative” for his effectiveness as the leader of the university.

“I am pained to announce that the University of Illinois has commenced talks about raising tuition to keep up with rising operating costs,” said Killeen at a press conference on Thursday afternoon.” Killeen went on to say that the $10,530 a semester rate could increase by between 50% and 100% – a figure between $15,000 and $21,000 – if an agreement is made with the Board of Trustees. “Being proud members of the University of Illinois, the board and I have agreed that we cannot sacrifice quality for price. We feel that the tuition increase would not only provide more truffles, which are imperative for productivity, but also teach students how to be efficient financial managers. To maintain our prestigious brand we must consider all options,” said Killeen.

UIC Chancellor Michael D. Amiridis told reporters, “The average yearly cost of a 4-year institution is $23,872. We know that our students are willing to pay extra on top of their already affordable expenses to ensure a top quality university education.” Students of the university have been spotted scraping gum off the bottom of subway handrails for food in order to account for their increased tuition rates. “We understand sacrifices must be made to be successful in our quest for careers. We have to take an early initiative by stockpiling food so that we can afford our education,” said one of the students.

UIC’s ground-breaking new strategy is making waves in the ideals of post-secondary education. Other top universities are now analyzing UIC’s proposed business model with intentions of implementing something similar. Arizona State University President Michael Crowe told reporters, “College costs are too modest. Students are willing to pay more because they understand the value of a quality university education. After seeing how productive truffles make Timothy Killeen, our board is looking into options to raise tuition.”
Other people who already graduated from a university are providing feedback, wishing they had had the opportunity to be in a financially unstable situation during college. We reached out to UIC alumni, one of whom says she “didn’t have the valuable experience of having debt at an early age, and wishes she could have learned the values crippling debt forces you to adopt.” Other alumni complain that they were never taught how to conserve their resources and now “live a wasteful life of feeding their children and having access to clean, running water.”
Parents of UIC students expressed their relief when they were forced to take out students loans to pay for rising tuition rates. Not only will UIC be teaching their students the values of living financially strained, but parents will now be able to refresh their skills. “We really are thankful that our child will be able to learn how to conserve his resources, and even more so that we will be able to break our comfortable living habits,” said one couple.

Another UIC spokesperson stressed that students affected by the increased tuition rates would be able to skip the university-required FIN 101 course, a financial management class, which all students are required to take before graduation. “We feel that the challenge of managing their higher expenses will be a huge advantage in the financial management success of our students,” said one UIC spokesperson. One student expressed his gratitude by saying he “never would have expected such generosity from UIC.”

“What would we do if our children are forced to enter their adult lives debt free? They will have so much money to spend that they will go into debt anyway from all of their partying and alcohol consumption,” said Killeen. “This tuition increase will boost productivity, offer students valuable financial wisdom, and produce more efficient citizens. We have a moral obligation to teach them the importance of starting their adult lives with one hand tied behind their backs.”