When I was eleven years old, I was sexually assaulted by “Guy.” This experience had traumatized me so much that I went years without talking about what happened that day on the playground. I just wanted to deny that it happened. I wanted to deny what he did to me. Unfortunately, I realized by doing this, I was hurting myself. I was attempting to suppress a memory that I found too traumatizing to talk about or even visualize. It was much too difficult to suppress this memory and I suffered the angst of not being able to talk about it.

A few months ago, I was walking back home from school when I saw “Guy” driving his car toward me. As he reached out his hand and greeted me in a friendly voice, I pushed his hand back and dashed toward my house. As soon as I got home, I threw my backpack on the floor and screamed in panic. The flashbacks of my sexual assault experience came to me in little film strips, and I beat my hands over my head hoping to make it stop. I realized then that I had to speak about my experience. It was better to get the pain out of my system rather than keep it all inside. From that day on, I openly spoke about my experience by first telling my mother, then my friends at school.

Reflecting upon my sexual assault experience, I also discovered why my relationships never lasted. The boy who was dating me would like me for my attractiveness and bubbly personality. But when it came to sex or physically touching, I would freak out and tell him to stop. A lot of the guys I dated were not okay with this, and thus, broke up with me. The other half just cheated on me.

What I wish these guys understood, however, is that my reluctance to have sex had nothing to do with them. The trauma I experienced as an 11-year-old with “Guy” gave me a negative outlook on sex. Right now, it’s unbearable for me to imagine another guy on top of me because it brings back literal flashbacks of my own sexual assault experience. My reluctance to have sex does not stop me from loving a person though.

There will be a time in my future when I will be able to fully move past my sexual assault experience. I dream of someday starting a beautiful and happy family on my own. I love children, and I hope to have some of my own someday. One day, I will be ready to have sex. What I need is just time to recover from what happened to me as an 11-year-old. It’s all part of a healing process, but I will be okay.

For those who have dealt with sexual assault at some point in their lives and find themselves trapped in relationship conflicts, you are not alone. It is okay if you are still dealing with the trauma of it. Please don't worry. You do not have to feel ready. If your spouse or boyfriend cannot wait, then I would question whether he is the right guy for you. Boundaries are important in a relationship and only a true life partner would understand that. Sex can wait. An individual should never feel pressured to have sex if he or she doesn't want to or doesn't feel ready. The boys who I have dated in the past said that being sexually assaulted was no reason to say “no” to sex – but it is. It is a reason. It’s my body, my rights. When I feel ready to have sex, I will be ok.