Sometimes what is not said is as powerful as what is. But leaving words unsaid takes away my power. 

I relied on time to make up for the words I wouldn’t say. Then time ran out without warning, and I felt it.  But I hadn’t run out of time, I just hadn’t noticed it.

Childish banter took the place of compliments between us. It was easier to let the absence of words form a comfortable barrier between us. The last time we were together was a defining example of our relationship. His last words to me were, “I wish you could be as nice to me as you are to these kids.” That was my chance to consolidate our friendship, but I let it pass. The ambiguity and absence of words made it feel like time ran out. I could have made up for the lost time with a simple response. The ambiguity created by a buildup of unsaid words still makes it hard for me to have closure. 

What I have learned is that most people do not have noticeable time with each other. This is because it’s hard to know when to start noticing. Who would expect that a sixteen-year old athlete would die. I obviously didn’t. 

It hurts to think about how easily I could have replied to him. I relive my mistake every day, but I get my do over whenever I am there for someone, to apologize, to say something nice.