Cancer is the Death of Me

Death. Something normal, so normal it’s talked about often. But something that isn’t talked about much is life. Life can seem so scary because one wrong move in life and death appears. Although some people don’t take a wrong step. Some people just get death thrown at them. And that is what happened to my beautiful grandma Rosie.

My grandma was a short little brown lady who on some days was a ninja turtle with my little brother, or on other days, was lazy and would watch girly movies with her granddaughters. She was the sweetest lady I've ever met. Although at that time I don't remember seeing my papa much and I believe that's because my grandma was always around to give us love so he felt he didn't have to. But as time went on, the less I saw her because the older I got; however, my brother got really close to her and spent a lot of time with her, which was only preparing him for a long time of grief and devastation.

Two years ago my grandma discovered extremely awful news.

 Cancer.

 Nowadays cancer is so normal but you never expect it to happen to someone you love until it happens. Although, when my grandma first found out about her cancer my mom didn’t tell us, not because she was hiding it from us, but I think it's because she couldn’t bring herself to say it. Days before she told us I could tell she was sorrowful and upset about something. My mom would just walk around the house with this depressed look on her face day after day. I think she was trying to deny it as long as she could but there came a day where she felt she had to face it. Then one day my mom told me and my sister to sit down and that she needed to tell us something. 

The next words that came out of her mouth were nothing. I couldn’t comprehend what she was saying to me. It was weird. it felt like a scene in a movie where you just zone out from what the person is saying because you just can’t believe it or it was just that awful. Well. it was that awful. I was destroyed and petrified of what would happen. I felt frozen like I couldn't move or I wouldn't be able to move ever again. All I could do was sink into the couch in silence as my mom tries to explain to us that they haven't discovered if the cancer was terminal or not yet and that we shouldn't worry right now. Although I didn’t care if it was terminal or not, all I could think about was what was going to happen next. Although I knew I needed to be strong for my mom because I knew it must be worse for her. I could tell while she was telling us the news that she was barely keeping herself together. 

I think as my grandma became sicker I distanced myself so I could be stronger for my mom. And I am devastated that I did that because that hurt me, and is still hurting me to this day. I blame myself for the way I feel about my grandma passing because I was selfish and put how I felt and how I didn't wanna get hurt before seeing my loved one while she was going through the fight for her life. 

But pushing myself away from my grandma made me stronger for my mom. And I know I helped my mom because I was able to be there for her and support her. A month or so passed and we were still waiting on what could be done and what stage the cancer was. After a while, the day came where we found out what kind and what stage the cancer was at. Once again we sit upon the couch where tears still remained from the last time we heard devastating news. As we settled down preparing ourselves for either good news or news that would change our lives forever. 

Time. Time at that moment seemed so short. Seemed like no matter how many months they said she had it wasn’t enough for me. I felt like my time was getting stolen from me, from my grandma. Time seems weird, when you want more time it is taken away from you and when you don’t need time, time walks in the door as fast as it can and then you have the world. Why would time do that to me? To my family? That’s something I would never understand.

As days and weeks go by my mom was still in denial, and is having trouble grasping the fact that she wouldn't have a mom soon. But for months the same uneasy feeling lingered around my family. The unknowing of when our loved one wasn't going to be here anymore. I think the hardest part was seeing my grandma suffer and not be able to do certain things because of how drained she was because the radiation therapy seemed to be working and shrinking the cancer but it would always come back and hit harder. This seemed to knock the wind out of my grandma, she was strong but she was tired, at times she was unable to walk or even get out of bed. She knew she wouldn’t beat the cancer because of how aggressive it was, but she kept fighting as long as she could because she wasn’t ready to leave yet. But there came a time where she just didn’t have any fight left in her and coming down to the last few days of her life I didn’t know how to feel.

At this point the only thing keeping her alive was life support. I mean she was alive but unable to speak or even barely open her eyes. Walking up to her room was just dead silence. So quiet that you can hear every monitor keeping track of people's heartbeat.

Beep, Beep, Beep

That is the sound I hope to hear when I enter my grandma’s room; although, little did I know this would be the last time I see my grandma. All I could think was “What do I say to someone you might never see again”. When I walk into the room an unrecognizable woman lying on the bed with a bunch of tubes and wires sticking out of her. 

When you have the kind of cancer my grandma had, once the cancer spreads throughout your body, invading your organ, well, your bodily systems start to shut down. And that's what was happening to my grandma. She could no longer release her urine so since her body couldn't get her bodily liquids out she started to become swollen.

The time I spent in the hospital all I could do was sit beside her and hold her hand and cry. And every once in a while she would open her eyes as wide as she could, which wasn't much. And she would look around, seeing the way she had become was heart-shattering. In that moment I was angry at myself. I was angry because I didn’t see her before she had become unable to talk. I didn’t get to hear her tell me she loved me one last time. And I was also angry at my mom for not taking us to go see her before she became like that. 

The very next day, she passed.

 Devastated. Confused. Unsure. So many feelings that I had. That week was rough. As of right now the worst week of my life. The day of the funeral, it didn't feel real. I swear it was all a nightmare and I was going to wake up any minute. But I didn't, and the funeral happened and I cried. That week my mom took our family and pulled us out of school and took us away for two days so we could have some time. And to spend time with our family and heal. 

As time went on without my grandma it still didn’t feel real to me. At times I would just lay in bed so woeful and unable to cry because I didn't want to believe she was gone. Losing my grandma made me think about my life choices and what I wanted in life, and what I needed to do differently, and what I deserved. Although it took me some time to appreciate who I am, and what I want in life, I managed to discover my self. And discovering myself took a lot of long nights of crying and understanding my emotions and also being confused by my emotions. But in the end I'm still learning and I still miss my loving grandma. And at times I still have to be there from my mom when she needs me.