Are you perfect? Need someone who will look great by your side? I have your solution. Compared to the past, there are many more ways to find people that will want to spend time with someone as special as you nowadays. You know you’re great, and for all you care, you don’t even need anyone else. But due to that pest called society, you must follow, to some degree, the social norms. The prime example of this is having a friend or maybe someone more. I understand someone as great as yourself probably doesn’t have time to waste searching for people who you will bring to your level and be friends with. So I have prepared a simple –step guide to getting a “friend” as soon as possible.
The first step in becoming an even better “you” is in literally changing your step. You don’t even need to worry about technology for this one. This entails adding a slight strut to your everyday walk through the halls of your high school. Just this first visible change will start attracting more attention. The trick is to really show that you believe you’re better than the rest. Get those hips swinging and arms dangling. In no time, you’ll have many people running to you. And if you really put some effort into it, people will be asking you if you hurt yourself in gym. This is a good sign, and it means the process is working.

The next thing you need to do is to start putting everyone else down. In order for you to become friends with these lowlifes, you need to strike when they are at their at their weakest. They will then see you as a beacon of strength that will help them out of the misery that you definitely didn’t cause. One of the best ways for beginners to start preparing others for your friendship is to take everything anyone says to you as an attack and to turn it right back on them. For example, someone says to you “What did you think of the math test yesterday?” To respond, you start by snorting loudly, and then you say, “Are you suggesting that I don’t normally think? For your information, I probably did a hell of a lot better than you did on it.” This does two things, one, makes you even better; and two, puts them down and in the position to become your friend.

By this time you should have noticed that people are looking at you differently. Many times their foreheads get wrinkly and their eyes become as sharp as your brilliant mind. In most cases, this is how their feebler minds are attempting to get your attention to get you to grace them with your presence. Don’t give them this pleasure yet. You are going to wait until you are online to start talking to these people in-depth. For now, show them how long your middle finger can look when you ball up the rest of your fist and walk away. When they see this, they may appear frustrated. This is because they are annoyed they can’t be friends with you yet. But they understand that your fingers mean to wait for now.

Now we move to the Internet. In your time surfing the web, you may have seen various things that look like words but are not. Some examples would be: “lol,” “omg,” “ttyl,” “cray,” “stfu,” and many more. The important thing here is to start using these in your everyday language as frequently as possible. Interjecting various hallway conversations with multiple lol’s, omg’s, and especially stfu’s, can brighten the days of all those around you, and many will begin to see the wonder in having a friend like you. They make even throw a friendly “stfu” right back. This is called chatting. You will have to get used to it, because you’re definitely going to have a friend soon.

The third step to making friends moves to the Internet. Society tends to indicate that just being Facebook friends with people doesn’t constitute a true friendship. The important thing in this step is speed. You need to start getting these people before they disappear (for no apparent reason) from your “Friends List,” it’s just a weird Internet phenomenon, you didn’t cause it, but you can’t really fix it. Speed is of the essence here. The best people to start with are those you have either already lowered enough, or those who appeared most frustrated by your middle finger. It’s your choice. If you’re using Facebook, the first thing to do in either case is to message them. But don’t just do it once and wait for a reply. Message them many, many times each time adding on the amount of exclamation points and capital letters you use after your stfu’s. If you’re feeling really friendly, you can do it on their wall. Don’t forget to tag everyone else you met today. Remember, copy and paste is your friend. Many times, people won’t respond back at first. But they will soon. If you are persistent enough in messaging them on any known device they will begin to introduce you to their other new friend, “the police.” You think this should excite you, however, at this point it is time for you to admit that they already have a new friend, and making friends with you would be too much awesome for them to handle right now. Just move on to the next prospect. It’s important to be persistent and never give up. If this doesn’t really work for you, well at least you still have your good old friend “Copy and Paste.”

If you haven’t quite made a friend yet, do not fret. There is still an option. If you truly want to be accepted by society, you can still try to find, dare I say it…a mate. Many of the people you have encountered call these boyfriends or girlfriends. However, in your case, once you make a choice, the decision is final. Even if they decide no at some point in your relationship, you cannot give up. You still have their number. It is important to do like you did with searching for a friend on Facebook. This time always ask your mate exactly what they are doing and where they are at least 10 times per hour. They will feel happy to know that you care about them. Soon you won’t even need a friend, because you’ll have what they call a “significant other.”

Now calm down. Think about what you have learned today from this guide. You are ready to put this information to good use. If you haven’t already accidently dropped this in your recycling bin from being so surprised at how good the advice was. You probably already have so many friends, and maybe even a “significant other.” No need to thank me. I’m just a happy little guide. Maybe we can get together and hang out with “Copy and Paste” “Copy and Paste” “Copy and Paste” “Copy and Paste” “Copy and Paste” “Copy and Paste” “Copy and Paste” “Copy and Paste” “Copy and Paste” sometime.