I, as a lazy student of the American school system, now and forever promise to submit to the following rules, regulations, and guidelines completely and utterly, with the understanding that if these rules, regulations, and guidelines are violated, I will lose my “lazy” designation and all benefits that come with it. This removal will be enforced when the powers that be get around to it. I hereby agree to the following provisions:

WITH REGARD TO DRESS AND HYGIENE: As a lazy student of the American school system, I will wear what I please, when I wish. I will choose my clothing based on comfort, and will only own that which is easy to fall asleep in. Likewise, I will not bother with makeup, perfume, cologne, accessories, and the like. I will wear clothing several times between washings, and, if possible, will have my mother do my laundry for me. A hole will only condemn a piece of clothing if it is in an exceptionally indiscreet place, and even is this is the case, I will keep the item for use on weekends. My hair is of no importance to me, because I am not the one who has to look at it. I will, however, wear deodorant and brush my teeth, or risk being ostracized by my fellow members of society.

WITH REGARD TO SLEEP: I will sleep as long and as often as possible. Nothing shall get in the way of this basic necessity. I shall thoroughly disintegrate every alarm clock that rings in my vicinity before eight o’clock in the morning.

WITH REGARD TO FOOD: I will order takeout and pizza whenever practical. When my funds are low, I will eat my friends’ food, or I will consume whatever I find in the fridge. Whether the fridge is in fact mine will be of no importance to me. Under no circumstances will I attempt to cook. Cooking is far too much work and, when done by me, produces food that is far inferior to my local Chinese takeout place. Thus, it shall not be done.

WITH REGARD TO CLEANING: I will not bother to clean or to organize unless the area in question has become a legitimate health hazard. The law of entropy states that the universe moves towards disorder, and I fully recognize the futility of going against a law of nature. I recognize that cleaning is an exercise in complete futility and will have little to no effect on my future existence, and thus, it shall not be performed.

WITH REGARD TO EXERCISE: I will never, under any circumstances, participate in any form of exercise that is not absolutely mandatory. The exception to this rule would be if an angry bear were to break into my place of residence. In this scenario, and only this scenario, I will run, taking my Fritos with me. Movement with no purpose is the epitome of wasted effort, and so will never be undertaken.

WITH REGARD TO PUNCTUALITY: When my sleep needs do not permit me to be on time, I will not fret. When I arrive, I will tell the story of how I had heroically shoveled my 95 year-old neighbor’s car out of a snow bank that morning so that he could still play bingo on schedule that week. In fact, through practice I will become a master at creating plausible and heroic sounding excuses. I will not, however, study examples of such excuses. Not only would this action require effort, it would be lame. I refuse to do anything lame under any circumstances. I will view most deadlines as suggestions, and will live by the mantra “it is easier to beg for forgiveness then to ask for permission.” I will never turn anything in early, for this is a mark of too much effort. I will not complete extra credit unless my grade is already in dangerous territory. I will complete work as quickly and as close to the due date as possible. Efficiency will be at the forefront of my mind at all times. I will recognize that there is rarely a real advantage to doing things earlier than necessary, and therefore I will not do so. Early birds do indeed get worms, but as I am not a bird, I see no reason to possess any life forms under the length of six inches. Therefore, I will skip the worms even if, by some fluke of nature, I manage to actually be early. If such a fluke occurs, I will find a convenient place to nap until I am needed.

WITH REGARD TO SUCCESS, GOALS, AND SCHOOLWORK: Although I resolve to put as little effort into life as possible, I will not settle for failure. Lazy people do not fail. They simply find ways to succeed in a thoroughly marginal manner. Failure, in the long run, necessitates much more work than success, and lazy people like myself realize this fact. I will pride myself on achieving the same results as my peers by putting in half the effort that they did. I will only complete work that genuinely teaches me something. Busy work will be my worst enemy. I will determine the effect that each piece of work, especially final exams, will have on my grade, and will adjust my level of effort accordingly. I will challenge myself to earn a grade that is as close to the cutoff as possible without sinking below it. I will shamelessly exploit loopholes and shortcuts in order to reach this goal. However, I will not plagiarize or otherwise break rules in blatantly obvious ways, because if I were caught, I would need to furnish an explanation, which would be unpleasant and would require far more effort than desired. I will never use a planner, calendar, or other organization device, because this too breaks the law of entropy, and is therefore undesirable. I will keep track of deadlines using only my head and, if necessary, the back of my hand. I will never prewrite, because this is an unnecessary waste of my time. I will, however, use proper spelling and grammar, always, even while texting, unless my phone is so old that it doesn’t have a keyboard. If this is the case, I will get myself a new phone, or, preferably, convince someone else to get me a new phone. I will not waste my time memorizing math facts and vocabulary, because my calculator and/or phone can be used for those purposes. I will always make sure I am aware of the minimum requirements. Maximums do not concern me, unless they are in the context of the maximum number of days an assignment can be turned in late, or some such thing.

WITH REGARD TO ANXIETY: I will never worry about anything that I won’t remember five years in the future. I will always be relaxed and will encourage others to think in the same manner. I will recognize that life is much more appealing when one does not spend time thinking of a long list of “what ifs,” and I resolve to go with the flow, taking events as they come. I will be resilient and will hold no regrets over what is past. Words such as “fret,” “anxious,” and “worry” shall never appear in my speech or writing unless they are preceded by “no” or “don’t.” I will be flexible to all sorts of situations, and therefore have no reason to worry, because I can adapt to what will come.

WITH REGARD TO INTERACTIONS WITH OTHERS: I will make others come to me. I will not seek people out, because this would require work. When group projects are assigned, I will either partner with someone who, after recognizing my lack of work ethic, will take all of the work unto themselves in order to preserve their (and therefore my) grade, or I will partner with someone with a fellow lazy student of an American school system, so that we can spend as much time as possible goofing off before quickly slapping together a only slightly inferior project. Under no circumstances will I partner with someone who will expect me to do all of the work. I will make sure others have to work to earn my respect. It shall not be freely given, because although I will avoid effort whenever possible, I will never decline the opportunity to watch others put themselves through ridiculous hoops in order to reach inconsequential goals. I realize that my way of life will probably irritate some around me, however I won’t spend effort worrying about this for two reasons: One, those individuals are almost certainly merely jealous and two, their feelings really aren’t my problem. Taking on problems that are not my own sounds like more work, and so should be avoided whenever possible. Likewise, I will not worry about how others perceive me, because that’s not my problem and is simply too much work to worry about.

WITH REGARD TO SARCASM AND SATIRE: I will possess a sense of humor and, above all, sarcasm at all times. I will appreciate satire in every form. My favorite publication will be The Onion, which, after all, contains the finest satirical reporting on the face of the earth. I will share satirical articles with others whenever I feel it would amuse them and, on occasion, when I doubt it would. When I am not doing my work (which should be most of the time), I will always be considering the world in a satirical fashion. Satire will always be my preferred method of communication. However, I will be careful, because there are cases where it could give a very unfortunate meaning if interpreted the wrong way. For example, I will not respond satirically or sarcastically when responding to someone who has asked me to marry them, or when asked if the big red button should be pressed. However, in most other cases that do not involve horrendous disaster (and in many that do), I will recognize that sarcasm and satire are appropriate and will use them liberally.

IN CONCLUSION, I, as a lazy student of the American school system, will resolve to be as efficient as possible by only putting in as much effort as is absolutely necessary to reach my goals. I promise to, from now forward, adhere to all rules, regulations, and guidelines spelled out above in my quest to be as effectively lazy as possible. Such adherence will earn me my Certificate of Successful and Efficient Laziness in the American School System, which will be awarded by the powers that be, when they get around to it.