These days retail stores are easy targets for theft. Mainly because the workers can’t do anything about it when someone walks out with an item. But also, it's just hard to keep track of the everyone who enters the store, especially during a rush.

Sure, it’s hard for a couple workers to sell, run cashier, and keep watch for burglary at the same time. So, what if we had a whole other employee do the watching? The whole mall would run so much smoother, and the number in stolen/missing items would become significantly lower. But would a stingy company, much like every company in the world, be able to handle having another employee on the clock just for this sole purpose? Of course not, otherwise this would already be in place. Now this is where the Monkeys come in.

Monkeys are known to be very observant and are able to plan things out and handle complex situations. Sitting around all day and observing is what these guys specialize in, quite literally monkey business. They would become our eyes in the sky, or our eyes hanging from the store ceiling rather. But it wouldn’t just be any monkey for this job. Oh no. I've done my research. Stores would hire only the best for the job. Only the sneakiest and ballsiest little guys out there, the Long-tailed macaques. The long-tailed macaques are NOT afraid of getting into someone's business. Not only that, but they are sneaky while doing it as well, obviously there would have to be some major training done so they know what exactly they would be taking from burglars. But wait, there is more. If the situation were to go south, and the hijacker was to try and fight the monkey back, these little guys are also very persistent. They would also fight back and keep going until they’ve got what is rightfully theirs. Also, with their speed mobility and long tails, these guys would be able to be at any part of the store within no time, swinging from thing to thing and hanging from the ceiling for that optimal bird's eye view.

No, obviously they wouldn’t work for free. I can already hear the hippies in the back, shooting down my idea while saying, “ThATs aNimAL cRuelTy” with a look of disgust on their face. First of all, they would have a salary, just not in the form of our currency. That is of no value to them. It would consist of items from their currency/trading system. Consisting of bananas, a wide range of nuts, fruits, lizards, and shiny things. They would be treated with the utmost respect, just like any other human employee would be. And if they did not show interest in the task at hand, then they would not need to participate.

Security guards would no longer be needed. Monkeys could single-handedly replace the whole security system. Imagine this, it’s the beginning of August when all the nosey mothers who want to speak to the manager about some crazy issue blown out of proportion. Good old Back to school season. Then, a group of teenagers comes into the store while there is so much commotion, with no intention on actually buying anything, and knowing that no the employees would not be able to keep a good eye on them. But the monkey picks up on their shady behavior. From the store ceiling, the monkey can see everything. As soon as one teenager sneakily puts a product into their pocket or purse, the monkey’s attention towards them increases, and they even notify the human crew. As soon as the teenager tries to step out of the store with the stolen goods, the monkey rushes to them and starts screaming to alert the other co-workers. And takes the goods back from the teenager. All while the human staff can focus on selling and helping customers on a busy day.

I wish someone would try to steal while being watched by a highly trained long-tailed macaque.