“Move over, birch*,” says an eighth grader as he pushes me aside, storming up the stairs. He and his friend laugh. I, the frightened sixth grader that I am, stand at the foot of the staircase, traumatized. An eighth grader cursed at me. I will not get over this for a good two days. I am genuinely insulted.

“Go fudge yourselves, you little shiitake mushrooms,” says someone today, flipping everyone off. He’s just angry; he’s not targeting a specific person or group of people, so I chuckle nonchalantly. I am no longer in sixth grade; I couldn’t really care less.

I mean, seriously, you call that an insult? People my age, known as teenagers, have no idea how to properly insult someone anymore. If you really wanted to insult me, you could say, “Your intelligence only surpasses that of a sea anemone.” That would actually be offensive because sea anemone don’t have brains, and also because the majority of the population cannot pronounce “sea anemone” correctly on their first try, making you seem more educated than whoever you are insulting.

Fudge, used as a verb, is usually used as “to have sex with.” So, “Go fudge yourself,” really means “Go have sex with yourself,” which is impossible. Saying “Go fudge yourself,” to anybody is really just insulting yourself because it proves that you are not educated enough to know that what you are saying makes absolutely no sense. Same with birch or acid. Calling someone a female dog or a donkey is probably somewhat offensive, but not really. In fact, I think that female dogs and donkeys are pretty cool. So it could also be a compliment. Seeing as the majority of insults spewing out of the mouths of adolescents run along those lines, I don’t think that you should be offended when anybody throws a slew of profanity at your face.

Note to sixth grade self: The eighth graders are the real birches.

*all profanity is replaced with improper nouns