“Worry about yourself.” “You shouldn’t compare yourself to other people.” Like many of you, I have heard these words of wisdom countless times in my life. In health class we learn to tune out our peers to maintain self esteem, and it is often school policy to prohibit students from sharing grades. What this is telling us is that other people have nothing to do with how we should feel and act. But I take issue with this ideology. Comparing ourselves to other people based on a frame of reference is completely natural, and is called relative deprivation. I am not refuting the fact that constant comparison to others is detrimental to self image, but every day our brains are assessing our situation based on context or frames. Because of how influential these frames are in how we interpret the world around us, they must not be ignored; they must be explored. And I should know. I have had quite the experience with frames of reference. It all started when I was in first grade.

Growing up, I idolized my older brother and his friends. I would constantly try to weasel my way into his plans. His playdates became our playdates. So you can imagine my jubilation when he decided to throw a Super Bowl themed birthday party in our house. I looked forward to this day for weeks. When it came time for the party, my painted stomach and I were the first to arrive. I submerged myself in the most comfy seat we had and anxiously awaited our guests’ arrival. What seemed like hundreds of people piled into our little playroom to watch the big game. The event began exactly how I had envisioned it: I held my own in knockout, Fisher Price edition, and chatted endlessly with the middle schoolers inhabiting my home. Sometime into the second quarter, the last guest arrived, looking slightly shy and and very pale. I thought nothing of it. Another person to talk to! What could be better? He joined the knockout game and all seemed well, until a sudden pause in the contest.

Immediately I felt the mood of the room shift. It was as if a wave had blindsided the competitors and sent them falling helplessly to the bottom. My innocent eyes darted around the room to figure out what had happened. That was when I saw the brown liquid oozing out of the recent arrival. The liquid began to cover him despite his desperate efforts to hide it. We all took in the bone chilling scene. Now, I had experienced throw up before. Though I personally had only thrown up once, my brother frequently succumbed to motion sickness so I was no stranger to this foul substance. But this time was different. Everyone around me dove for cover, squealing that they couldn’t stand to see what just happened. My six year old brain jumped to the conclusion that something about this situation was threatening, nothing like the time my brother became acquainted with every garbage can in JFK. So a feeling of emptiness, as if all of my internal organs took a coordinated lunch break, seized my body, a feeling that I am all too familiar with today. That marks the moment I became emetophobic, the debilitating fear of vomit, a condition that would prevent me from fully enjoying first grade, or public events, or really any time I was around a lot of people.
     

So how does this story have anything to do with frames of reference? This feeling, one that is triggered any time I see throw up, is completely conjured by a frame I witnessed ten years ago. Subtract the reaction of my brother’s friends from the equation, people I deified, and you have just another sick kid at the height of flu season. The frame makes the meaning. Frames of reference are extremely influential on our psyche, whether we like it or not. We can’t just block them out. Instead I propose that we learn how to deal with and identify these frames of reference to gain some perspective. It has taken me ten years and counting to understand that my emetophobia is based on a meaningless frame. If I were to base my emotions on fifth graders today, I wouldn’t be able to function. Had I been able to understand the power of that frame earlier, I may have been able to enjoy elementary school parties or field trips. Frames are too influential to ignore, and need to be used to our advantage. Overlooking something so potent is doing ourselves a disservice.