After?

Modern atheists believe that death is a return to nature. Christians believe in an afterlife, called heaven. As an atheist, and a former Christian, I believe that there’s more to death than a return to nature. I feel that there is more than peace and darkness. There is more than a dark black abyss- nothing can't always stay nothing. It always has to be something in the end, such as reincarnation. For example, the Big Bang- the Big Bang was created from nothing; therefore this justifies my doubts about nothing being eternal. Although the infinite void of nothingness and peace seems reassuring, it’s also unsettling. 

I praised the so-called God that would erase all my problems if I committed enough to him. I was a strong believer. As a former Christian, I fell down this hole of thinking that it was wrong to not believe in God. This accumulated my thoughts, doubts, and internal insecurities. These insecurities were immortal and devoured my brain. I couldn’t think properly without thinking I was doing something wrong, and that I was going to go to hell if I didn't believe in God. I attended Christian schools for grades 1-7th, and everyone around me was Christian. At that time, I had no idea what Christianity truly was and why I was a believer of God. Looking back at this, I realize I had endless insecurities that led me to believe in a higher being that would solve all my issues, be there for me, and justify and back me up. But what happened when I started to commit to God?  I got bullied for 6 years. I got bullied by Christians that went to the same school as I did. The same school that glorified God, and praised to be kind to your neighbor/others. During sixth grade, I realized how conflicted the so-called believers can be. I thought they commended treating your neighbor with kindness, giving a lending hand, being forgiving and kind. Where did that go? Many only believe for their opinions, and wrongdoings to essentially, be forgiven. I concluded that many Christians were incongruous, especially when I talked to my teachers about this, as they did nothing. All they said was that there is a plan for me and that it would be worth it in the end. Nothing aligned. Although many of my experiences were unpleasant, the main positive ideology that I’ve taken from previously being a Christian is to believe strongly in something, preferably yourself. It’s impressive to see people dedicate their lives, and I respect that. 

Now, as an atheist, I believe that there is nothing to live for in this life. Looking back at the times when I was infatuated with death, all I wanted was peace. I wanted to end myself, and I had many lingering and disturbing thoughts, such as suicide. My parents discerned the thoughts I had and told me it was a “me” problem. Every time they told me this, the need and want for death increased. My intrusive thoughts had a chokehold against me that I couldn’t possibly win, except to believe in myself and to let things happen. Thinking about unwanted things will not only manifest it, but it wastes time thinking about something that hasn’t happened yet. Although I still yearn for eternal sleep and death, it’s not as strong because knowing that nothing doesn’t last forever makes me question what’s after death. At this point, it’s not questioning, but it's fear and anxiety of what’s after. Do I think it’s a return to nature?  Truthfully, I don’t think it’s just a return to nature, it’s much more complex. Maybe it’s just purgatory where you serve “x” amount of time for your wrongdoings. Maybe there is a heaven. Maybe there isn’t. Nobody knows, so, I’ve deduced that reincarnation might occur as well as purgatory; but what truly happens after?