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A couple weeks ago Mom told me the news.
It was the day that Mom told me you had cancer.
I wasn’t fazed by the news.
Looking back, I feel bad for not crying when I learned that you could die.
I never received much attention as a child,
being the older sister of a special needs child,
and now I hate being the center of attention.
I fear what people think of me - what I say and do.
Maybe that's why I don’t act the way I want to or the way I should.
I remember I didn’t cry at Grandpa’s funeral.
I kept my tears hidden because I wanted to look strong in front of my older cousins
who never showed any emotion.
Even at only eight-years-old, I cared too much about other people's thoughts.
I’ve heard the cliché myth that when we see a cardinal it is a lost loved one visiting us.
Now when I see a cardinal I think of Grandpa, Ryan and you.
Am I going to see you in the form of a bright red bird when I look out the window?
Are you going to join them?
- Love, Ara Ratchford