The cycle continues because I keep letting myself

back in.

Back into your world,

and back into the part of myself that I have created

to please you.

Part of me wants to stop here,

stop writing while I’m ahead.

The other part begs myself to spill my feelings out

and put them into physical form.

The barrier of guilt has stopped me from doing this much earlier

because I feel the need to act like I’m not hurt,

act like what you’re doing isn’t impacting me,

and act like I don’t truly want you out of my life.

My conscious pulls at my chest for a way out

so she can release all of these pent up feelings out 

onto you.

She knocks on the inside of my chest,

waiting for my response.

But I have nothing.

I have nothing more to give except for these words.

I desperately want you to know how im feeling

so maybe you will feel the way I am too.

But I hold myself back.

I suppress these feelings because guilt eats away at me

and leads me back

 into your never ending cycle.

I know it would be best for me to leave.

Not only leave you behind,

but all of these negative emotions I have created 

from letting you into my life.

I wish I could muster up the strength to confront you.

I want it so,

so badly.

But I just can’t,

and I don't know if I’ll ever forgive myself for it.

I began to hate myself for putting up with you.

And in turn, I began to hate you too.

But you will never know any of this,

so these words will stick to this page for eternity

and I will continue to let you hurt me.