I like your flow and how you ended it with you name and everything your can always revise but i can't see what you could

ill try and revise it tonight or tomorrow thanks for the help :)

thank you sooo much!!!!!!!! :D

Haii, :) first ill start out with the postive comments then the bad, 1. i like the topic you choose, 2. i like how you held strong in your rhyming scheme, 3. I like some of your wording (ex. stife, hope, faith) 4. I like the positive ending 5. its a pos/neg poem, it gives some life to it.   what i dont like is: 1. you could use some better wording (ex: our meek and fragile souls, grounded deep with in the soil, we're trampled as dross, and they disregard our toil.) 2. You use way to much positivity. this is a poem about being inferior, so id stress your position as a inferior person in comparison to the government. 3. Id make a twist in this poem, and start off your poem with distress, and be dramatic about your toil and pain as an inferior to the government, but you dont say your talking about the governemnt or clue in TOO much... but just a little to get readers guessing, then at the end, reveal that its about the controlling government, and make the ending DRAMATIC. 3. I wouldnt list off a bunch of things wrong with the gov, instead, focus on one negative characteristic, like how its controlling, or oppressive, or corrupt. Not all three of those things just one. 4. Use more passion, be more dramatic, show your hatred and fear of being oppressed and having your rights taken away. almost scream at me about it. 5 lastly, I feel like your poem is more about whats wrong with the gov, not about standing up against it. i feel like you should start out the poem with how sad and mad you are about the gov, then build and slowly grow your rage and make it more apparent, then by the end, you tell the governement whats up, yell at them, tell them who'sa boss.   This is just my imput, you it if youd like. Its a good poem but there is ALWAYS room for improvement!