I Can't | Teen Ink

I Can't

May 22, 2014
By iBlameTheStars SILVER, New Orleans, Louisiana
iBlameTheStars SILVER, New Orleans, Louisiana
6 articles 2 photos 0 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Razors pain you
Rivers are damp
Acid stains you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful
Nooses give
Gas smells awful
You might as well live."

I will never be able to explain the feeling I get when staring at her. The way my heart flutters and beats three times as fast when she smiles, perfect teeth shining my way, eyes the color of the sky on a cloudless day. Her nose crinkled and eyes squinted, making me laugh in a way I haven't in a long time, and she laughs too, smiling before rolling over and hiding her face. I want to reach over and take her hands away, never not wanting to see her. I can't.
The night time makes the blue shine a bit darker, her eyelids hanging lower and drooping shut. I watch the blue until her eyes are fully closed and her breathing steadies, her lips parting into an "I love you." The corners of my mouth turn up, whispering it back and she sighs happily, opening her eyes once more and smiling back at me. I lie down, listening to her lazily told stories, slowly blinking back the tiredness until she's fallen asleep. I try to move as close as I can to her, wanting her hands around me and my hands around her. Just to feel. I can't.
My eyes open to her there, just waking in the morning. She rolls to her back and yawns, rubbing sleep from her eyes and then rolling back over, checking to see if I'd waken up yet. A small and quiet "Morning," rolls from her tongue before I reply then asking me how I'd slept. "Always well when its with you." gets a giggle from her. I look at her and tell her I love her, but those words could never be enough. I want to scream it, tell her I hear her in every song I listen too, think of her in every love quote I read, see her in everyone I meet. But I will never know how to fully tell her just how much I love her. I want to lean over and kiss her, even with our morning breath. I want to sink my fingers into her hair and show her, even this early in the morning just how much I love her. I can't.
The worst parts of my days with her is when she has to leave, when all I would rather do is stay in bed with her and laugh with her, keep telling her I love her and how much she means to me. When she leaves, she calls me, talking to me until the last possible minute. I can hear the faint sound of whats coming from between her fingers and to her lips, breathing in the smoke. My lip shakes when I tell her she doesn't need it. That I love her to much to watch her do that, wanting to walk up and rip it from her fingers. From where I am, to where she is, I feel helpless. I want so badly to make her stop, but I can't figure out how. If I could, I would make sure she wouldn't have to hurt herself, just by being there. I can't.
She comes home and I get to see her again, seeing her face makes up for the whole time she was gone and I blush when she calls me certain names, ones she knows will make me smile. We talk for hours, about our day and things we want to do with our future, things I wouldn't tell anyone else. And the later it gets, I know its just one more day closer to the day I can be with her. Because right now, I want to go out with her to get coffee, and just sit in the back of the cafe and talk rubbish with her. And kiss her with warm lips from the coffee. I can't.
She asks me what's wrong. I stare away and try to drop the subject because I don't like making her sad because of my thoughts. When she asks again, I start to cry. Because I'm looking at a screen. 2,217 miles away will never be close enough, because I can't touch her, I can't hold her, I can't make her as happy as I wish because I'm not there. And every time the Skype call drops, a little part inside of me breaks away, because I can't see her all the time like I would be able to if I was there. Falling asleep and waking up to and with her on my laptop screen is as close as I can get right now.
But I want to feel her, touch her, kiss her, walk with her, lay with her, cuddle her, fall asleep wrapped up with her, make her breakfast, make her a hot bath and fill it up with bubbles when her tummy hurts, make her tea, take her out, hold her hand, see her instead of pixels, roll on top of her in the morning to wake her up, kiss her nose, annoy her until she pushes me off the bed, dance with her, go to the beach with her, travel with her, cry with her, laugh with her, be happy with her, be sad with her, give her surprise presents, squeeze her, bring her to a mirror when shes self conscious and tell her just how beautiful she is and show her all the things I love about her and make sure she knows I will always love everything about her, because she's so perfect. I want to show her. And I can't.
But every time I wake up, and see her there on my screen, I know I'm one day closer to when...
I can.

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