Everybody’s always wanted to know what it feels like They’ve yearned to understand me, to learn to not reprimand my insanity They’ve always wanted to comfort me; to pull me back to reality My mother, my best friend, my therapist It’s constant reiterations of “What are you thinking about? Just tell me what you’re feeling. You’ll feel better. Just trust me; I know” Well, how the hell do I tell you That I spent the entire “conversation” between us, obsessing over a disease that I’m never going to get How can I possibly make you understand that I spend my time In an alternate reality where only a certain type of “crazy” is admitted access to Be grateful that you are not invited inside my mind Inside this spiral of thought that Encases me, hypnotizes me, imprisons me, suffocates me The thing about a spiral is that you can never climb your way out The higher you climb the further you fall back to the infiniteness of your own thoughts Don’t even try to understand this vicious cycle of insanity This monstrosity That I never chose to be a part of And don’t say that you understand when you don’t You’re never going to know what it feels like To not be able to chew your food without thinking you will contract C. diff To not be able to walk the halls of your school without imagining the germs entering your body To not be able to kiss the guy you like in fear of forming bacterial colonies To not be able to pay attention to your problems because I’m too caught up in mine All in my mind So don’t pretend that you understand because you won’t You don’t see yourself as a mass of walking bacteria But your pretending doesn’t stop you from giving me false security and unsolicited advice You tell me that my thoughts are like waves -Always returning and receding- And that I am a surfer -slowly learning to ride them with ease and expertise- I know it sounds poetic, romantic But my mental illness is anything but a metaphor Yes, my illness is inside my mind, But why does this make it imaginary? I mean, your thoughts, your dreams, your opinions are all inside of your mind Does that make them imaginary? Stop trying to relate to me I don’t need you to understand me I just need you to love me