“I don’t mind bigger girls

I just don’t want them to be so fat that I can’t pick them up”

“My dad always says the closer to the bone

The sweeter the meat”

I heard this conversation behind me in history class

From two cows chewing cud and spitting it into gatorade bottles

They casually discussed women’s bodies with the same tone

They discussed the trucks they drove

Or the deer they shot

The one behind me would pull my hair

Something they tell you in second grade means he likes you

The class was taught by a teacher

Who doesn’t believe that women should have the right to vote

Who would say that the oppression of women

Is not sexism

It is chivalry

And so no

They were never reprimanded

And if anything their behavior was only reinforced

“Your girlfriend is piping”

I heard this shouted from a car on main street

At night

When I was hand in hand

With my boyfriend

The only thing that stood between me

And the people that lurked in the shadows

He was confused

Taken aback

But he didn’t understand the icky feeling it put in the lining of my stomach

As if it was coated with glue

He thought it was a compliment

Maybe a bit rude

But a compliment nonetheless

Compliments are not shouted from cars

I was treated like an object

A possession

A truck

A deer carcass

And the compliment was given to my OWNER

My KEEPER

As I was incapable of receiving it myself

And I’m used to flinching at car horns

And walking with my head down

I’m used to eyes that devour me

Like corn on the cob

I’m used to words

And whistles

But I expected him to understand

“Rape and BDSM are pretty much the same thing”

I heard this from the backseat of my boyfriend’s Toyota Echo

As he drove

Eyes glued on the road

Chewing his lip uncomfortably

His friend went on to ask

Why rape jokes aren’t funny when men make them

But it’s okay for women to make them

I kept my eyes focused on the white knuckles

Curled in my lap

As I explained  in a trembling voice

That there is in fact a big difference between BDSM and rape

It’s called consent

And that women generally do not find rape funny

Anger welled up inside of me

Until it spilled out of my eyes in the form of tears

The backseat went silent

And my boyfriend took a hand off the steering wheel

To take my fingers in his own

He later told me that his friend apologized

And no

these aren’t things he says

Or agrees with

And he complains about them all the time

It’s a longstanding friendship that he’s afraid to leave

For fear of being alone

A familiar situation when it comes to the friend in question

A known emotional

And sexual abuser

But he never hit her, right?

“As long as I’ve known him, he has never laid a hand on a girl”

I heard this from my own boyfriend

Who refuses to cut ties with this man

Afraid of making waves

And shaking the foundation

breaking the fragile skin of the bubble he calls his world

While I’m afraid

Of a shady encounter

With the people he calls his friends

Under the stifling hood of night

And he can’t protect me from the whole world

And the evil unknown

That lurks in every crack of the sidewalk

And gutter on the street

But he can at least keep me from the evil

He sees every day

That I fear will somehow penetrate him

If it doesn’t first penetrate me

The words I hear everyday

In the halls of my school

From the boy sitting uncomfortably close to me

In the back of the bus

From teachers and men of authority

When they discuss their trucks

Their deer

Their girls

And other things of that nature

Itch my ears

And send bugs crawling to my fists

Where my fingers curl instinctively

And my jaw locks

To seal the fire in

I later breathe it out as smoke

When it has lost its heat