If I had a magic crystal ball,

I’d look forward in time

And fix all my mistakes

Before I even made them.

I’d be omniscient

Like Will Smith in genie form

And super strong

Like Shaggy using 15% of his powers.

If I had a magic crystal ball,

I’d test out every scenario

And make only the right decisions.

I’d be a billionaire stock investor,

Most influential figure ever - 

Beyonce would change her lyrics

to “Run the World.”

I’d pick my major right the first time,

I’d never make a bad decision,

I’d never have a fight with a friend,

I’d never royally screw up

And have to do extra chores all month.

I’d never pull a surprise gravity check,

Mess up a midterm,

Or say good morning after noon.

If I had a magic crystal ball,

Even Ricky Bobby would sponsor me.

I’d put the shake in shake and bake.

People would make salt and pepper shakers 

Plastered with my face on them.

I’d have so many fans,

I’d be forced to get a bodyguard,

And I’d make him exclusively stand to my right

So that paparazzi only ever capture my good side.

If I had a magic crystal ball,

I’d look out on my riches,

My countless friends, 

My sprawling LA mansion

My armies of supporters and fans,

My millions of likes and followers,

My Disneyland-inspired space mountain,

And I’d wonder, whose life is this? 

If I had a magic crystal ball,

I wouldn’t know what it’s like

To fail and fail and fail

And get so used to failing and trying,

That when I experience even the tiniest success,

I feel like shouting it from the rooftops.

If I had a magic crystal ball,

That tiny success wouldn’t mean a boar’s butt. 

I’d be so used to finding myself at the top of mountains,

That every mountain would become too small.

I’d be like Aladdin getting wealth and riches from a genie,

Quickly realizing that it’s not enough to marry the princess.

Once I’ve conquered humanity

Once I’ve taken the world by storm,

I’ll go to bed at night,

Tuck myself in tight,

Try not to think about how hollow I feel.

I’d turn over on my side

Look at my magic crystal ball,

And say, screw you.