Throughout my life, I have been taught to act a certain way; how to react, how to breathe, how to be. Throughout my life, I have wanted to be accepted. Throughout my life, I have been told to be like everyone else, or at least pretend. Throughout my life, I have been told I can be different, I can be myself, but only in private.

When we are little we are told it's okay to be different, but what we don't know is that when we grow older, those around you don't want you to be different. They want you to act the same way they do, they want you to be like them, they want you to mimick them, and when you don't... they hurt you. You start to feel heavy. The people who you thought were your friends are the ones saying awful things about you behind your back. You are scared to confront them, afraid that they will judge you for speaking out. You begin to think that your very existance is a burden to them. Your shoulders slump because the weight of their words. You feel hopeless when their fingertips curve your spine with gentle fingers; carefully placed words made to wear you down to almost nothing. Who even are you anymore.

You look in the mirror and you have no clue who this pitiful creature is. The one with the deep purple bags, pulling down their eyes. The one who crunches forward, cowering. The one with shoulder blades that stick out like broken wings. And yet that pitiful creature is you. You know not the joy that once made your chest swell, close to bursting. You know not what has become of your laughter. The tinkling sound that was pulled out of your graceful throat when even the worst joke was told. What would it be like to breathe.

I lost all my friends this year. I just want a friend. Just one.