I can't stop thinking about you,
about us
and the spaces inbetween
your fingers and mine
bodies colliding,
breathing in each other's spirit,
inhaling,
breathing, in the spaces inbetween
The bus ride back from the school trip
shared learning,
it snowed a lot that night
you sat beside me on the way back
our fingers intertwined,
hidden
hands sandwiched between your leg and mine,
we hid our love from the others
we talked about everything
your dad, my parents
therapy
the concert
that concert, when I saw you
I'd swore to myself I was over you
That you didn't own me anymore
But one look and I crumbled
I needed you, at least, I think I did,
I wanted to need you, to want you
Does that make sense?
I'm in love with being in love
In love with feeling like I need you
In love with being needed, being wanted
I need to be needed,
need to be there with you,
Not in this inbetween, this space
breathing into the silence
I'm in love with the spaces inbetween
The spaces between your face and mine
At that concert, with our bodies squashed together
I really wanted to kiss you, then
I count the space inbetween
breathing in the inbetween
You always smelled nice
I dreamed about kissing you
Running my hand through your soft hair
Slowly counting down the spaces inbetween
Breathing them in, breathing in you
bodies colliding, morphing, merging
becoming one
I miss you
And the spaces inbetween
you don't answer my texts anymore
I hate it
I hate that I need you, or feel like I do
That I'm stuck here, discarded
In the space inbetween
The silence consumes everything
My thoughts echoing
far too loud for someone so quiet
I get that a lot, actually
I'm quiet, usually
I'm too loud with you
You overwhelm me
And I think I overcomplicate
overcompensate
overthink
For example;
If I text you first, do I come across as too clingy? What constitutes being clingy, and how tolerant are you of me and my possible clinginess? If I use an exclamation mark, am I too forward, too excitable, too childish? If I use undercaps will I come across as noncommittal, nonchalant, uninterested? Will all-caps make you uncomfortable, as though I am yelling? What greeting should I use, and what are the implications of each- 'hey', 'hello', 'hi', 'heya', 'yo', 'wassup', 'sup'; the list goes on endlessly. Should I elongate the greeting, adding extra "i's" into "hi" to draw it out, or is that to childish, does it seem like I'm looking for attention?
On the other hand, if I leave the decision to you, if I wait for you to text first, what will happen? Of course, I will constantly check my phone even when my vibrate is on, looking for the notification that doesn't come, waiting for you to initiate contact so I can close the spaces inbetween us, or suppose you are going through the same thought process as I, and we come to the same conclusion, both waiting for the other to message.
And so it continues, so much consideration put into a singular text, one that I probably won't send, one that I might tap out.

I don't think you actually love me, or ever did,
I guess that's okay
In truth, I probably don't love you either
It's more likely to be the infatuation with the idea of love
I have a chronic addiction to romance
idealising, imagining, dreaming
Stupid fantasies gradually turning into expectations
High standards and expectations
I expected too much of you
Romanticising romance, thinking it would be perfect
I projected that onto you, my idea of a relationship
I think you projected onto me, too
Both of us falling not for each other but for what we perceived as the other person, which was really just a reflection of our insecurities and wishes
falling for ourselves, projected onto others
Twisted self-love for self-hatred
a sickening conundrum
it's almost laughable, don't you think?
Loving to hate ourselves
Hating to love ourselves
I think, somewhere, we got life mixed up with death
Romanticising our flaws which we saw as belonging to someone else
It's stupid, really
They're called flaws for a reason
I think I should let you know, you know
That someone who loves your flaws isn't really someone who loves you
You need someone who loves you despite them
Who sticks with you even when your flaws kick and lash out at them
I can't be that person for you anymore
I'm leaving us
and the spaces inbetween
of course, you've already left
haven't spoken in months
I just stand here in the space inbetween
a coward with too many thoughts and too little courage
All these words rolling around inside of me
I'll let them out eventually
Out into the inbetween, as I start to breathe again, not for you,
for me.