when is a monster not a monster?

when you love it

she says

while we're sitting on my bed putting up posters of her favorite band

and the skies are turning a darker shade of blue

and I want to ask her if she can stay over

but nothing comes out.

My mother told me good girls keep the door open an inch,

and I look at her hand 

and it looks like it wants so desperately to be held in mine,

but

good girls always sit a few feet away,

and I want to be good so bad.

they say if we look away from each other for a while

we can find something better to talk about than to melt

into each other's arms

and let the pain and the burdens melt away too.

they say it's wrong to rest my head against her shoulder

and still want to be closer

they say this isn't love

it's rebellion

unnatural

they say it because they think they know

but every time her fingers reach for me,

I want to pull her close and never let go.

they say good girls leave their love locked away

and never let it out

and I want to be good so bad.

when is a monster not a monster?

when you love it

and she's holding my hand and smiling

telling me I'm beautiful

and I can't help but peer over the corner,

to make sure no one can see.

I have to be a good girl

when is a monster not a monster? 

I ask

and only silence waits

and she's holding an ice pack to the black eye I got coming home last night.

she's crying and telling me I'm beautiful

and it's confusing really,

I don't feel like a monster when I'm with her.

when is a monster not a monster?

when they love you

she says

and we're saying goodbye, 

because she says it was just a phase 

we have the door open an inch 

but I'm inching closer

and she's telling me to stop 

but I just need to touch her

one last time

she says I'm a bad girl for giving another girl my heart

she says we are wrong

but it feels so right

I know she's wrong.

maybe I don't want to be good anymore

when is a monster not a monster?

when you love it

my mother says

but I've loved her every day,

and a monster is all you've ever said she is.