i reach for the pill bottle,

a reminder of my broken-

everything.

i don’t know how much longer this clarity will last.

i wonder when my next episode will-

begin each day with a deep breath.

life is overwhelming, but i have to make the most out of-

it started when my father left me.

sh*t hit the fan and i lost all that made me-

happy thoughts flood into my clouded synapses.

i feel rejuvenated and freed from myself.

i don’t understand why my therapist said i needed help in the first-

place each dear moment within your heart

as souvenirs of beauty in a world so ruthless.

never forget those who have always stood-

beside your loving arms, was an enchanting rose garden.

aromatic and dizzying with your gluttony,

consuming all the good parts of me until i am left-

empty bones are the framework of my body.

i don’t even feel like myself anymore.

until the next episode devours what little i have left.

i become-

untouchable wounded skin,

fragments of this boneyard of a body.

i want nothing more than to crawl out of it.

goosebumps rise...

one for each tear I cried 

as i remembered what he did to me.

i want to feel the sweet release of-

death and change are the only things guaranteed in life.

that’s why you have to make the most out of what it-

is it so wrong to want to be in- 

love 

is a dual edged sword.

how can i notice the blood it draws,

when my heart has been bleeding all this-

time and again,

i fall into the same trap my parents warned me about.

i never learn.

how can i keep-

going through the motions of life,

one step at a time,

is a path towards perfection i strive to-

living is the hardest part of life.

i realize every wrong decision shows signs of-

weakness is a disease.

infectious and insidious

coursing through my veins.

i can’t escape its-

hold onto yourself Hina.

face your struggles and stop running away.

i know it’s hard to-

focusing on the good is hard,

when all i can see is broken-

piecing myself back together is a metaphor i created,

to dehumanize myself in a moment of-

sadness is a familiar face

bound by wrought iron gates

breached by cascading dark thoughts 

drowning me entirely.

in my desperation, 

i stopped looking for the broken pieces.

i know i’ll just-

forgetting myself is just part of the journey.

the mania will kick in,

and i’ll lose track of all i did.

did i lose you?