James, you were more than my cousin.

You were my best friend,

You were my whole world.

We did everything together.

The first third of my life was spent with you

You made me who I am today.

I still remember that day.

You were seven, I was five.

We were at grandma and grandpa’s,

Dressing up like we always did.

You were the policeman,

I was the firefighter.

We were playing a game,

A game that only you and I knew the rules to.

We ran around the house, 

Laughing but forgetting

What was funny in the first place.

Your mom had come down to check on us,

Just in case.

But we were fine.

We were always fine.

She cooed over how cute we were,

Presing a sloppy kiss to your cheek.

You made a face, I laughed.

Your mom reached into her pocket, 

Pulling out the camera 

She carried with her everywhere.

She told us to hold still and smile.

You grinned, looking off into the distance.

I was smiling too, but my eyes were glued to you.

You were everything to me,

You were my whole world.

I wanted to be just like you.

A week passed. 

I had just gotten home from preschool.

My mom got a call.

She sat me down, tears threatening to fall.

She told me you were gone.

My whole world was gone.

You had gone to the pool with your friends,

But you had gotten too excited.

You loved the water.

You jumped in, your lifejacket left on the bench,

And you didn’t come back out.

The water had swallowed you whole,

It wrapped you up in its arms and didn’t let go.

It held you there until your last breath had disappeared.

Yes, you loved the water

But it ended up being your downfall.

I was terrified for the longest time after.

I hated water for taking you away

And I was terrified that it would take me too.

I didn’t swim.

I didn’t go to the beach.

Bathtime was always a struggle. 

I didn’t want to go away too.

I still miss you, James.

I’ve never been the same since you left.

I no longer hate the water.

We’ve come to a sort of understanding.

But I still miss you.

The photo from that day is sitting on my desk

Along with a note that you never got the chance to give me

Your parents found the drawing, James

I look at it every single day

Sometimes I feel like you’re right there with me

I love you, and I miss you

But I’ll be okay

I promise