I wish when I had been smaller,
and easier for my mother to love,
I wish that I could have asked her
and gotten the answers that I'm so afraid of

Wish when I was younger and not so close to demise
I had thought to ask her the questions on my shoulders
I wonder if she saw the worry swimming behind my eyes
or if she was just as oblivious as she is now that I am older

I wish that I had asked my mom -
Mom, is it okay if I want to kiss a girl sometimes?
Mom, when you call me "she" it feels like a bomb
would that have been so much of a crime?

I wish when I had been more childish
and quicker to cry to my mother
she had told me it was okay not to be cis
and told my siblings they had another brother

Wish when I was so naïve and not so close to death
I was strong enough to tell her what was weighing on my mind
I wonder if she knew I was dreaming of my dying breath
wonder if she knew I wanted to leave this world behind

I wish that I had asked her that -
Mom, is it okay if I'm not as skinny as I've always been?
Mom, I'm scared everyone else thinks that I'm lazy and fat
would she have dried my tears and reminded me of that time when...

So many damn questions I never asked my mother
can't bring them up to her without being too much of a bother -

Mom, what if I'm not always the best?
Mom, what if I don't measure up to the rest?
Mom, will you still love you if I'm your son and not your daughter?
Mom, I'm scared you won't love me if I'm not her.
Mom, what do I do when this house doesn't feel like my home?
Mom, why do you always have to pick a bone?
Mom, I miss the hugs where I felt like I was save from the world.
Mom, I'm scared you don't love me like a mother should.

It it my fault that you can't look me in the eye?
If I said this words would you kick me out without a goodbye?