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when the character dies because i murdered it
some days I forget how to write my name
funny, you say,
but it’s not funny because
isn’t it all of me?
fingers hovering
maybe it’s the line, or potentially the rare curve
i remember the characters, i cannot capture them
they long feel, a long time forgotten
slick its throat
bend and break the bones
chop the word into separate strokes
until i almost laugh when i see my work
“we need to teach you how to write properly” my dad crosses a shaky finger
balanced along my dirty sea of black ink
might as well say it’s beautiful
gives me a little more reason
to think its ok, better than my baby brother
at the very least, there just wasn’t enough time
thats why i forgot the extra stroke under 黄 (huáng)
i knew it,
i just forgot
simply put, i want to see my craft,
beaming, dancing: imagine
it alive and breathing
in and out
but
it is dead.
my aunt comes to carry the corpse
suppose it lived a long life
she has writing of beauty, honey, and strawberry jam
strokes curve back like a feather
little ones are dewdrops
this is the moment i begin to question:
is it the slight dent in my paper
the abrasion on my right nail
my impaired vision
should i use another pen or workout my fingers
then
something twitches
twists and turns, inside her protruding veins
around bony fingers grasping my plastic writing device
underneath loose skin
it is the writing muscle
i watch myself quiver, quake under its presence
and
BOOM
i sense the flesh of her ingrained memory
equations harvesting the steps to every character
childhood desks in chinese memory
labored to the demands of her teacher
the writing muscle ages
pulses like a living organ
that grows and strengthens
since she began school
can you believe it
when i say i don't have the writing muscle
my hand is mindless
jumbled in elementary alphabet – The pinyin
wrong stroke order
meaningless, lopsided characters
no structured schooling – only in english
i don’t know chinese, china
sorry to my fake beijing
sorry to my fake 15 years
sorry to my fake chinese
sorry to my ugliness
sorry to my “i don't know” when you ask me how to write: “warmth”, “anger” or “toothpaste” because all i do is type
i murder the characters,
my heritage,
in times new roman
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黄 (huáng): My Surname
Also - I still think chinese is hard