I sat down there

in my white tank top and

shaggy hair

that curled past my nape.

It used to be cut

square

neat and precise,

like my grades were

when my father put his hand on my shoulder

and told me,

"You're a smart kid."

and the counselor sat me down

and told me,

"You're a smart

kid."

My girlfriend and I

broke up on the bench

next to the bathrooms

because there was

no

where

else

to be alone.

And my girlfriend

and I

we never kissed or held hands

not even in that cave

we were pressed together

not even when in the beginning.

And yeah,

we watched the paintings dance

in the black light room.

She smiled and said it was going to happen

anyway.

I cried when I read Alice Walker's

Revolutionary Petunias

even if we were world's different.

I didn't tell anyone had stolen the book

from my father

don't tell decades of dust caked when

It first touched me.

There's a 

Now it's hidden under next to my bed

a bookmark for every other page.

Some days it's just

ringing

in my ears 

and I think,

"Damn,

those home concerts weren't such

a good idea."

I fancied myself a punk then,

even if I was afraid of breaking the rules

of my own house. 

and my house and my house and

my house

my house that I keep a spare backpack

in my bedroom.

"Just in case," I told my confidant friend 

as if courage would find me

when the moon does.

I face my watch

it tells me 4 AM.

I am awake at night

for no

other reason

than the fear

of wasting my time

my life

as if every second had to be

spent

before I die the next day.

maybe one day I'll stop wishing

to wake up beside

someone that isn't Apathy

maybe I'll stop thinking

up poetry 

when I lay

in my bathtub naked

with the mirror covered in dark towels.