it’s like nothing makes me happy anymore

my excitement is a fallacy rooted in my desire for everything to just stop moving so i can catch up 

i find solace in solace itself yet yearn for a group to belong 

everyone in my life tires me, they don’t understand my plight

and when i think someone just might, they shed their true skin

and they don’t understand at all.

the different masks i wear 

are organized by color

depending on the charade i put on

red — for family, 

the girl who would surely follow 

in the footsteps of others

the black sheep of the family who is not sure where to belong 

and feels lost in the isle of which is supposed to be her own.

yellow — for friends,

jovial and always quick to crack a joke 

but cracks under the pressure of existing 

and lashes out at anyone in her path 

and disappears from conversations when they get serious

but always quick to reappear 

to make fun of a classmate.

green — for strangers,

the do not know what i am capable of, and neither do i

all they see is someone to scrutinize 

someone to bump into in wide hallways with enough space 

someone who waves at old people and children 

despite the fact 

that she hates children 

and doesn’t think she’ll live long enough to be that old.

these masks i wear

all the colors in between 

the make it easier to hide

and make me feel less seen.