When I was born, I wanted you to tell people I was alive.

I wanted a normal life, with a functional family. 

When I was three I wanted you to find us a house. 

I wanted you to put the bottle down, and hold me in your motherly arms.

I wanted to feel safe.

When I was four I wanted you to sober up.

I wanted the chance to live with my mom like every other kid I knew.

I wanted to live without a care in the world like any other four year old.

I wanted to have both my parents around. 

When I was seven I wanted you to stay in town. 

I didn’t want you to move because I knew that meant you would be gone forever. 

I wanted you to stay where I could keep an eye on you. 

I wanted you to stay where I could be a reminder smiling back at you as to why you wanted to recover.

I wanted to have you in my childhood as much as you could be. 

I didn’t want to grow apart like I knew we would if you moved away.

I wanted you to be honest, with me, yourself, and everyone around you. 

When I was ten I wanted you to come back.

While I moved again and my life shifted I wanted nothing more than your warm embrace.

I wanted you to see me graduate from fifth grade and see me into middle school. 

I wanted you to come to my dance performances. 

I didn’t care if you were sober any more, all I wanted was you. 

I wanted your sweet smile to greet me as I ran to hug you. 

I wanted you to talk me through my hard days that were upon me as I entered middle school.

I wanted you to give me your mom's advice. 

I wanted you to call more often and get in less trouble. 

I wanted my mom back. 

When I was fourteen, I wanted you alive. 

I wanted you to go back and change all your choices so that you could be here with me. 

I wanted you to be upset with yourself just as much as I was. 

I wanted you to see me walk the field at graduation.

I wanted you to talk me through my fears as a highschooler. 

I wanted to hear your soothing voice while I sobbed into the phone over a stupid boy.

I wanted to count down the days to Christmas like we did every year as if I was a kid. 

I wanted to forgive you and prove to you I wasn’t mad. 

I wanted to hug you and make sure you didn’t die without anyone there.

I wanted to be by your side to the very end. 

I didn’t want to grieve you.

I didn’t want to wonder what my life would be like without you. 

I didn’t want to go back to normal after I had just lost my world. 

I wanted you to be there with me.

Now, I’m seventeen, and I wanted to take you to the beach because you had never been there. 

I wanted you to meet your grandbabies.

I wanted you to be in my wedding photos. 

I wanted to watch you be the best grandma. 

I wanted you to be there for me through college. 

I wanted you to see my life. 

Hold me through the hard times. 

Cheer me on through the good.

I wanted you to hold my hand when I needed you. 

Step aside when I had it all under control. 

I wanted you to see me graduate as a first generation kid. 

I wanted you to see the life that I will build for myself. 

I wanted to heal our relationship. 

I wanted to start over.

I wanted to know you.

To help you. 

To be there for you.

That’s all I wanted.