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Chutes and Ladders
Your mother loves you, she loves you very much
And I am a bad human because I wish she did not
I want her to hate me but that makes me sad so
That's not really true, I want my mother to love me
Your mother loves you, she loves you more than you could ever imagine
But my imagination is so very extensive, farther than hers I know for sure
And I understand that she loves me but then again I am lying
She is a terrible liar and I can see right through her shattered heart
But I am a child and I just want to curl into a ball and feel my mother brush my hair
I want to lay my head on her shoulder and watch movies on the couch
Or play chutes and ladders or monopoly
But not with her fiance or my brother though I would be grateful for it no matter what
I am just a kid without a lick of knowledge or understanding
So I should be grateful to have a mom because I already do not have a father
But when I did, he was better than my mom was he not?
He played chutes and ladders with me, and taught me how to ride a bike, and treated me like a princess
I was his everything and I threw him away
I stomped on him until his teeth fell out and his hair turned gray
And I just realized that rhymed and I like rhymes, because they don’t change
Unlike the moment my brother was born
Or the moment my father got him and I in that car accident
Or when my mother met Spencer and I meant little to her
How ungratefully selfish I am, a brat and a horrible child
I had not been beaten or grounded
My mother still says the words I love you
She hugs and trust me and sometimes even says she is sorry
And she makes me lunch and pays for my coffee
So I am a leech and a troll and a filthy, rabid rat
I am no better than a hairless, sly fox or a fuzzy bear
I am a beast and unworthy of my mothers love
Or even my fathers at this point
Just stay innocent and don’t worry about it
Why does it matter, you have no right to be upset
I don’t understand how to help you, you make me and your brother sad
If you killed yourself I would kill myself
And what do I say to that? Because I do not get angry to the point of lashing out
I have yelled at my mother less than the fingers I have on my left hand
And yet I am furious
I want to dig a hole through my wall and through my mind through it
I want to barry my heart deep within the sink and watch as it clogs the plumping
I just want to be dead and not worry about blood love
But I love blood and the words it whispers, you are alive my child and I see you
And she never said that before
But oh I know I would break, like a chocolate bar
I see you
I want to understand you
I want to spend time with you
I am proud of you
Not a lie in sight because she would have had to say that in the first place
But I am asking too much and I should be grateful I have a roof over my head
and other adult figures that love me
And I should be grateful, not a spoiled brat, because my mother is so lenient
But oh my stars
Why do I always go back to that stupid sink
And why, why does my dumb brain go back to putting down the words
Your mother loves you, she loves you very much
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