Death/Loss

I see him, 

The sight of death sends a shiver down my spine 

I think, 

Why him? It wasn't his time, Reassured mind, 

Lost in thought, my heart dropped, 

this was loss, 

Bile rose in my throat, and I stifled the feeling of hurling

my dark thoughts swirling, emptiness followed,

I’d felt this before, this was sorrow 

I rub my eyes confused, 

Laying still, unmoving, questioning

The light in the darkness 

spots of lights appear

it fits, she was my light in the darkness

I see the world in black and white

Numb, and unmoving, I try to feel 

I’m like a junkie needing a fix, this was how love felt when I was six,

Conditional and needing, Dad always told me that I was frugal when it came to love,

So I’d grown up, not needing and not feeling, with only a dull, numb pain to remind me I was still fighting for the love I never received, mom left me, she was disappointed in me

Death showed me what life was like,

Well acquainted we weren't shy, under his guidance I saw life for how it was 

he left me muddied in my thoughts, I tore myself apart

I had hurt and died in my mind,

eternal bleeding, never healing, death stated, 

How I would arrive, broken and hurt, still picking up pieces, that were mine, 

He stopped me as I cried, tears escaped my eyes, reminding me I’d been taught to live and let die, that I wasn't going to be his just yet, “ get up “ said Death, carry on and live with no regrets

so I could see, what life could look like with this newfound perspective I was given

He once gave, but now he stole, 

so he could feel, in his soul, 

how it felt, to love, to give, to take, and to hurt

He gave her everything, and she had left, not enough, never enough he thought, not yet,

 he had so desperately strived to be enough for them so they would love together,

 be together, forever 

He hoped in doing so that she’d realize what she meant to him, 

he’d loved her yet couldn't describe what he felt for her, so he showed her through actions, through acts of service, yet he never did feel he was enough

She was a ray of sunshine, the light to his darkness, she’d given him safety and comfort and he didn't know what to think of it since he was dead,

he thought to himself “I’ll finally be enough”, maybe she would love me if I was tough, 

I’d do anything for her: bathe in her warmth, be lucky enough to be in her presence, and be enough for her. 

He lost her, and he’d wanted her again but she never came back. 

Happiness

Something foreign to me was happiness

The warmth of mother's embrace, the approval and praise from dad

The sadness and emptiness left in its place,

When they left, life was bad, I understood they were busy, but I longed for the attention, love, and approval that only they could provide 

When I finally received it, it felt lackluster, it didn't feel like what I had worked so hard to earn, it felt fake

The feeling of helplessness still lingers in my body and bones, so I lost myself in my mind, escaping loneliness that announced itself in my mind, declaring it was never leaving 

I hit a downward spiral, feeling the lowest lows, I deserved this I thought, anger rose, taking control, hurting me and those around me.

This dark depression took hold of me, a vise grip around my body, controlling more of me than I should've let it. I relinquished control, tired and drained I’d found out information that shifted the way I thought and lived, everything distorted, dark, unfeeling 

It wasn't until I let HER in that I was finally welcomed by happiness.

She shifted my world, the ways I see things, and how I feel

I recently saw all of her, her flaws, and I welcomed and loved everything I saw

I never thought I’d meet anyone this beautiful; it wasn't just physical beauty but inner beauty.

I thought she might feel how I felt,

Did she still feel this way?

The longing, the need to feel and be complete, to be secure and safe