I think, therefore I am

I am happy

I am social

I am easily interpreted 

I am fine.

I am fine

I am fine 

I am fine

I have friends 

So I’m fine

I have good grades 

So I’m fine

I’m conventionally attractive when I try

So therefore I am fine

I think, therefore I am.

And I think I am happy,

I think I am social,

I know I’m easily interpreted.

So I am fine.

When I can’t defend myself—

I won’t defend myself because I don’t want to hurt someone,

Never the way they hurt me.

I think I am fine

When I’m smiling so hard my cheeks hurt because they’re trying to make me easily interpreted 

I think I am fine

When I sing a song about thinking you could be beautiful, only to find out you’re ugly

I think I am fine

When I sing that song again

 alone

 and I let the dams burst

 because the walls couldn’t hold under the crushing weight of: visibility 

I think I am fine

When my uniforms never quite make me look the same as the other girls

I think I am fine?

I see my tools of reconstruction lying on my desk

Each weapon preparing for deployment.

The concealer can only conceal so much.

It must rest underneath a powder so thick it turns the tides of the war.

The war I’ve been fighting before I could remember,

the war I’ve felt since I looked in the mirror, and suddenly my legs weren’t what they used to be.

My eyes weren’t— aren’t as bright, my skin still covered with the cost of being a happy child.

I am fine because I was a happy child.

I am absolutely positively fine!

You think I’m fine. So I am fine.

If the smile and makeup do their job right,

you won’t think twice about me.

You shouldn’t think twice about me.

Interpret me correctly.

I’ve given you no reason to believe otherwise.

But one day, I know, it will all go away.

I won’t be conventionally attractive even with a full-blown makeup team.

My smile will feel useless at covering up what’s behind my eyes.

My legs and stomach will fully embrace the effects of my choices of cuisine.

I won’t be easily interpreted.

I need to be easily interpreted.

I’ve learned the basic rule of upholding your sanity;

In order to convince others of something, you must convince yourself first.

I stay fine because I know others need me to stay fine.

People don’t like needy; they say they can handle it, but it’s like a toddler riding a motorcycle.

I must remain fine.

If I say I’m not fine, then I am not fine,

So I will not say I’m not fine.

I am alive, I am breathing, so

I am not — I am perfectly fine!

I think I am fine, therefore I am fine.

I think, therefore I am.