It is a constant up hill battle.
I can’t help the fact that every conversation turns into an argument.
Why am I so angry? Why doesn’t she admit she’s angry with me too?
It would make me feel better if she saw the same problem I see that we have.
I feel like she is choosing to ignore it. Ignore the fact that it’s not perfect.
I hate to argue but somehow I can’t prevent it.
I know my words hit her like a blade through flesh. She is hurt.
Somehow I feel nothing, I feel numb to her pain.
She looks at me with sadness and pleading to stop the fighting but I can’t.
I need her to understand and realize something is wrong.
She pours guilt on me constantly. I don’t want it anymore.
This battle makes me tired, exhausted. I feel bad but I feel more helpless then anything.
She asks me what we can do. I don’t have an answer for her. I wish I did.
I don’t trust her like I want to. I don’t think she trusts me as much as she says she does.
I know our problems are insignificant in the grand scheme of things.
In the moment, they seem never ending, they seem epic.
I feel no pity for her. She feels nothing for me.
I feel like her words are empty and meaningless. They are just words.
We get a call that there has been a death. We must go support our family.
I can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t face what’s happened.
She calls me crying. Trying to hold back tears but it’s obvious.
She weeps, she apologizes for calling but I know why she called.
I do not feel bitter for a moment.
She tells me times like these make her appreciate what she has.
She always told me to never end on a bad note and it is times like these I understand why.
She tells me; when this happens it makes me never want to fight with my children again.
She is right. All I can tell her is, “I know”
She tells me she wants to hang up the phone now but she just wanted to hear my voice.
I tell her, I love you mum. And I mean it.
We hang up.
I don’t know what tomorrow will be like with her and I.
for a moment it doesn’t matter.
I know she loves me, and she knows I love her.
If that were our last note, things would be okay.
I’m sorry mum.
You’re right.
Last note.