Letting Go. | Teen Ink

Letting Go.

December 5, 2010
By BayBee. SILVER, Reno, Nevada
BayBee. SILVER, Reno, Nevada
5 articles 0 photos 15 comments

Favorite Quote:
Hate is often an obverse form of love.
You hate someone whom you really wish to love but whom you cannot love.

I’m sitting cross-legged in a dark, silent park
Forcing air into my polluted lungs
And pushing awful thoughts out of my head.
The trees start to spin around me
Faster and faster they go,
To a new place I arrive.
I hardly notice falling backwards
As my chapped lips fall open
And one ear rests on the ground; sinking.
I feel the vibrations of the Earth’s heart beat,
For I know it’s not mine.
All things blur into one harmonic tune.
Then finally I listen, listen to what’s within.
And suddenly my body’s not mine to control.
But somehow this doesn’t worry me.
I’m now walking in complete darkness.
My weakness has faded and now I can see;
See without my eyes.
Hear without my ears.
Feel without—
I can recognize these feelings,
But they fly right through me.
Sounds of my own voice echo all around me.
I cannot find the source.
Although I think I can translate what it’s saying.
Right as I tune into this voice, it’s speaking with words
That have no meaning to me; they’re beyond foreign.
I’m floating now.
Into what seems like a higher level of consciousness,
And I start losing complete grip of reality
Both beautiful and insane images are floating all around me in unison
As fear rushes over me
Like a hundred foot wave.
And I’m falling.
I try to scream but nothing comes out,
Only hear that foreign voice all around me still
Tears pushing, jerking, tugging,
As I start to gain feeling in my face.
One tear slides out, making my cheek warm and damp,
Then quickly ice cold.
I shut my jaw closed, and suck in a breath.
I feel my chest; my lungs.
My arms won’t move, but I feel butterflies in my gut.
I force myself to swallow, open my mouth to make a sound—
And nothing comes out.
I’m spinning again and I tell myself “No.”
I start floating again and I hear my self
Finally scream “NO!”
I let out an exaggerated gasp.
My whole body shudders
And I quickly begin to regain feeling...
In everything.
I use my nails to grip the grass
And pull myself up.
But weakness prevails.
I’m back on the ground
And I realize my eyes are still shut.
I lift my arms to peel them open,
But my hands go right through my head.
How is this possible?
My arms are numb and then I go spinning again.
I think about giving up now.
Letting go.
Something convinces me I should.
It’s a woman’s sweet voice.
She takes my hand and I know she’s real.
Her hand is warm and soft
Just like her tone when she tells me to
“Let go, sweetie”
I listen.
I let go of every thought,
Every feeling, every regret,
Every memory, everything.
Now I can see again.
Without my eyes.
The woman is beautiful and glowing.
Really nothing I have ever seen before.
I don’t have to breathe,
I don’t have to swallow.
And then it hit me.
I’ve gone far away.
To a much, much better place.
And for once,
I’m content.

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