Wicked | TeenInk

Wicked

March 26, 2011
By Raytheraym PLATINUM, Belton, Missouri
Raytheraym PLATINUM, Belton, Missouri
47 articles 35 photos 460 comments

She walks in,
and stifles a scream,
when she sees,
that you're gone,
she calls 911,
but it's a little too late,
because that pill bottle,
has already been emptied,
people will talk about your life,
and wonder why,
but they'll never know,
because you weren't brave enough,
to ask for help,
and it's ridiculous,
but I hope you don't mind,
that I call you wicked.


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This article has 8 comments.


on Aug. 4 2011 at 11:21 pm
Raytheraym PLATINUM, Belton, Missouri
47 articles 35 photos 460 comments
Thank you!

Emily.L GOLD said...
on Aug. 4 2011 at 10:37 pm
Emily.L GOLD, Gilbert, Arizona
10 articles 12 photos 84 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Sometimes, we just have to be happy with what people can offer us. Even if it's not what we want, at least it's something. " -Sarah Dessen

This was a really strong poem, even if it was a little short. Keep writing!

on Aug. 2 2011 at 5:56 pm
Raytheraym PLATINUM, Belton, Missouri
47 articles 35 photos 460 comments
Thanks for the advice!

Eirias SILVER said...
on Aug. 2 2011 at 12:28 pm
Eirias SILVER, Spring, Texas
5 articles 0 photos 71 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you wish to be a writer, write" -Epictetus

Okay. You gave me a little more to work with than "Melissa." Let's start at the top.

I've said this for so many people's poems, but either rhyme all the time, or not at all. If you rhyme once, it calls attention to that spot, so it should be the climax or the end. "Gone" and "911" DON'T work.

I would take out the comma at the end of line one, I think it works better with enjambment. Same with line 3. I would end line 4 in a dash (--) and then "Calling nine-one-one" for line 5. Spelling it out emphasizes it more. I don't usually like to use numerals on poems.

 

"But" should start the next sentence, maybe followed by the cliche "too little too late." However you do it, "it's a" isn't working for me. 

Do something with "Because that pill bottle,/has already been emptied" maybe combine them into one line. I'm thinking "That bottle's on the counter,/ not a pill left inside." If you keep it the way it is, at least take out the comma.

 

I would have line 9 start a new stanza. Line 12 seems too wordy, but take out the comma. Start "And it's ridiculous" as a new sentence. Have a colon after "mind," and I'd change the last line to something lke "But I shall call you 'wicked.'" It's a little more final. And don't forget to put "wicked" in quotes.

 

It's an interesting take, though.


on Jun. 12 2011 at 1:28 pm
Raytheraym PLATINUM, Belton, Missouri
47 articles 35 photos 460 comments
Thanks! :)

on Jun. 11 2011 at 8:25 pm
CieraDesiree GOLD, Hagerstown, Indiana
17 articles 1 photo 59 comments

Favorite Quote:
An eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind.
You never know what you have until it's gone.

I liked this subject and the way you chose to write about it

on Jun. 6 2011 at 6:35 pm
Raytheraym PLATINUM, Belton, Missouri
47 articles 35 photos 460 comments
Thank you very much!

SamiLou SILVER said...
on Jun. 6 2011 at 2:43 pm
SamiLou SILVER, Lee&#39s Summit, Missouri
6 articles 0 photos 51 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia"
-John Green (Looking For Alaska)

Wow.... this is just chilling. It shows how much suicide impacts everyone close to the person. It's not just all about you. This is amazing.