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Secrets

June 5, 2011
By TwasBrilling BRONZE, Staunton, Va, Virginia
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TwasBrilling BRONZE, Staunton, Va, Virginia
4 articles 0 photos 79 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;The owl of Minerva spreads its wings only with the falling of the dusk&quot; -H.W. Hegel<br /> <br /> &quot;Words are our most inexhaustable source of magic&#039; -Albus Dumbledore

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Secrets waiting
Tip of tongue

Secrets yearning
Fresh and young

Secrets dusty
Creased and aged

Secrets prisoned
Cold and caged

Secrets darkened
Shadows know

Secrets many
Whispered so

Secret hiding
In your eye

I saw it once
And it saw I

© Alison L., Longs, SC

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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 25 comments.

WithPenAndScript DIAMOND said...
on Aug. 9 2011 at 10:54 am
WithPenAndScript DIAMOND, Venetia, Pennsylvania
72 articles 232 photos 251 comments

Favorite Quote:
I believe that no matter who you are we all leave footprints on this Earth

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I really like the rhymeyness of teh poem but the last line qith the eye is what stumps me. You could have rhymes "eye" with bye, try, my, sigh, lie...etc etc. Besides teh last line i really liked it
TwasBrilling BRONZE said...
on Aug. 3 2011 at 8:24 pm
TwasBrilling BRONZE, Staunton, Va, Virginia
4 articles 0 photos 79 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;The owl of Minerva spreads its wings only with the falling of the dusk&quot; -H.W. Hegel<br /> <br /> &quot;Words are our most inexhaustable source of magic&#039; -Albus Dumbledore

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Being very grammatically harsh myself I understand where you are coming from about the "I". However, in this case I decided to put rhyme over grammar. Thanks for the advice though! It's nice to have some critisism every once and a while.
Eirias SILVER said...
on Aug. 3 2011 at 11:45 am
Eirias SILVER, Spring, Texas
5 articles 0 photos 70 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;If you wish to be a writer, write&quot; -Epictetus

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Haha! This is awesome. It's completely natural and has almost no hiccups.

My only problems: Stanza 7 has "secret," when all the othe stanzas have "secrets." I would add puntuation at the end of each stanza. And a dash at the second to last line,so it would read:

 

I saw it once--

And it saw I.

 

Also, the "I" isn't working for me. For one, it's not grammatically correct (I is the direct object, so it should be in objective form--aka: me). Secondly, "I" just seems like a weak word to end with (probably because you will hardly ever see a sentence end in a nominative pronoun). I only rate articles if I can give them a perfect 5 with a clear conscience, and I rated this one!

callmebaddog SILVER said...
on Aug. 2 2011 at 7:33 pm
callmebaddog SILVER, Spokane, Washington
8 articles 0 photos 24 comments

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The word choice in this poem was fantastic! I was very into this, very vivid detail for such short lines.
IAmWhoIWantToBe PLATINUM said...
on Aug. 2 2011 at 7:22 pm
IAmWhoIWantToBe PLATINUM, Manila, Other
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&lrm;&quot;I&rsquo;m learning how to drown out the constant noise that is such an inseparable part of my life. I don&rsquo;t have to prove anything to anyone. I only have to follow my heart and concentrate on what I want to say to the world: I run my world.&quot; - Beyonc&eacute;

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I love how to couplets can say many things with two words in each line... Keep it up! :)
Alcanno DIAMOND said...
on Aug. 2 2011 at 10:03 am
Alcanno DIAMOND, Mexia, Texas
59 articles 0 photos 670 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;If you love life, don&#039;t waste time, for time is what life is<br /> made up of.&quot;<br /> <br /> -- Bruce Lee

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Love it! Your rhyming and flow feel effortless, and of that I am jealous :P
ams98 said...
on Aug. 1 2011 at 7:49 pm
ams98, Brighton, Michigan
0 articles 0 photos 38 comments
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GREAT JOB!!! i love itr:)))
JerseyGirl716 BRONZE said...
on Aug. 1 2011 at 5:56 pm
JerseyGirl716 BRONZE, Central, New Jersey
2 articles 0 photos 92 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.&quot; -Eleanor Roosevelt

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I really, really loved it! The flow was PERFECT! Great job :)
ohheyyyelli SILVER said...
on Aug. 1 2011 at 10:33 am
ohheyyyelli SILVER, Woonsocket, Rhode Island
5 articles 3 photos 178 comments
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The flow is great, and the meaning is amazing too. You are a really talented writer!
redhairCat PLATINUM said...
on Jul. 31 2011 at 12:51 pm
redhairCat PLATINUM, Pebble Beach, California
47 articles 20 photos 411 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;I can do anything!&quot;

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This poem has a great pace and is very catchy! I like the way you wrote it. Keep it up!
Raytheraym PLATINUM said...
on Jul. 27 2011 at 1:28 am
Raytheraym PLATINUM, Belton, Missouri
47 articles 35 photos 457 comments
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Very nicely done! :)
CarolynQ GOLD said...
on Jul. 27 2011 at 12:00 am
CarolynQ GOLD, Manalapan, New Jersey
10 articles 0 photos 220 comments
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Well written, you've got some serious talent. I like your ryhmes they don't sound forced and they fit very nicely.
NinjaGirl BRONZE said...
on Jul. 26 2011 at 4:45 pm
NinjaGirl BRONZE, Valley City, North Dakota
1 article 0 photos 202 comments

Favorite Quote:
The only thing holding us back in life is our desire to stay where we are and not venture further.<br /> ~Some random person on the Internet :P

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I like the short lines and stanzas. Nice job :)
blitsnik SILVER said...
on Jul. 26 2011 at 8:20 am
blitsnik SILVER, Palm Bay, Florida
8 articles 0 photos 51 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;If you must mount the gallows, give a coin to the headman, a jest to the crowd, and meet the drop with a smile on your lips.&quot;

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I like how you kept it flowing and found good rhymes. it was great, and a pleasure to read. 5 stars.

 

.Izzy. BRONZE said...
on Jul. 25 2011 at 11:22 am
.Izzy. BRONZE, Broadview Heights, Ohio
1 article 0 photos 388 comments
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I LOVED THIS! Very intriguing. 5 stars, though it is worthy of 6.
Hazel-daisy GOLD said...
on Jul. 25 2011 at 10:28 am
Hazel-daisy GOLD, --, Other
19 articles 0 photos 324 comments

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i really like this!! i love how it rhymes and the way its a mysterious ending, good job! :)
SecretFlame PLATINUM said...
on Jul. 24 2011 at 11:23 pm
SecretFlame PLATINUM, Portland, Oregon
20 articles 1 photo 373 comments

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&quot;I have a life. I just choose to ignore it.&quot;<br /> -one of my friends

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I absolutely LOVE this poem! The rhythm and rhyming are amazing and wonderful! The theme is great! Wonderful idea and wonderful imaginings! Great job!
thetruthawaits94 SILVER said...
on Jul. 24 2011 at 10:45 pm
thetruthawaits94 SILVER, Duncan, Oklahoma
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning to dance in the rain.

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I love the rhyming in this! and the two lined stanzas were very interesting and unique. Cool, I like it! :D
gigi01 GOLD said...
on Jul. 24 2011 at 10:21 pm
gigi01 GOLD, Seffner, Florida
17 articles 0 photos 64 comments
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Great job!! very good rythem and flow... and great word choice, each very powerful... wonderful overall
TheHangingGirl BRONZE said...
on Jul. 23 2011 at 5:39 pm
TheHangingGirl BRONZE, Winter Haven, Florida
1 article 1 photo 250 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Poets utter great and wise things that they themselves can not comprehend.&quot;

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I love how original it is and how it rymed. I  love the flow. I read it like 5 times.