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LEMON BLOSSOMS
My hand, and fingers
wrap around a soft white cup.
Inlaid, in gold is a dragon.
Swiftly my mouth parts at the rim,
taking in
a warm liquid.
It tastes bitter and strong;
as my tongue and the tea
dance together for just a moment.
It is cool to my surprise,
and from the back of my throat
creeps the scent of lemon blossoms.
Sweetly rocked by a breeze
then laid on the earth.
It makes me remember
a time;
when I was a little someone
all alone in the world.
A little someone
flying with the blossoms of spring.
I can not see now
my eyes are fogged and gray.
They have been worn by joy,
and by the light cheerful soul
which once danced among the lemon
Blossoms.
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This article has 13 comments.
I don't have a whole lot to say about this (right now--I've gone into some of these saying that and then writing a page) because this is a little more all-over-the-place than I'm used to, and in this type of poem almost all changes really don't affect the poem that much, as these are mostly just words floating in the ether. That said, I will now begin:
Stanza 1: "my" instead of "and," put a semicolon, colon, etc. at the end of the line. "Wrapped" instead of "wrap." Line 3= "Inlaid: a golden dragon" however you do it, line 3 isn't working. I don't see why you need "swiftly," and line 4 doesn't make grammatical sense, which could be fixed by " parts to the rim." I don't see why the last line is so long--you aren't adding anything and it's not like you have to fill a certain meter. You could take out the last half or more of the line. Every word counts. If words are not productive, they are just fluff. Like when you whip rope, you cut the ends off of the string because those loose ends aren't doing anything, just hogging space and allowing for a snag.
Stanza 2: The first line runs together. You can reverse the order of the sentence, add punctuation, or break the line.
The single "a time" causes a huge hicccup.
That's all I have for you.
