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I'm Halfway Out, The Choice Is Yours
February 6, 2013
A tear runs down my cheek;
cos’ I want what I feel is no longer there;
not anymore;
if there was anything there in the first place.
I try and try;
an unsatisfactory person am I?
To feel unworthy is a bully’s job;
so what exactly is my love?
The feeling of something out of my league;
the one I can but hope to achieve.
I am the unworthy;
but why is this?
You play with my heart;
yet your not a tart.
Accidental pain you send me;
true or false?
I doubt a purpose behind all of this;
but god only who knows.
In my hour glass heart your time is running thin;
it's your final chance don’t throw it in the bin.
It is down to you the road we take;
its now or never, what choice will you make?
© Asia B., Hudson, MA
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION
This article has 14 comments.
BlackbeltJames GOLD said...
on Jul. 30 2013 at 5:34 pm
Yeah, by the time I had posted it, I had realised I should have changed my old work to meet my modern ability as I wasn't happy about that line myself.
Thanks for the feedback :)
Thanks for the feedback :)
I liked the idea of this poem and the story and emotion behind it, I just think that it needs a little bit of work. Some of the wordings are a little off, enough that I had to stop and reread a few parts to understand what you were trying to say, espeically "I want what I feel is no longer there". I'm a little confused again with the abundance of semicolons, not all of which are gramatically correct. Overall, I like the potential that this has, I just think that it needs to be developed a little bit more.
BlackbeltJames GOLD said...
on Jul. 25 2013 at 9:17 am
Yes, exactly, its the experience of both within the relationship and how he feels he is being treated
Jonathan33 GOLD said...
on Jul. 5 2013 at 10:13 pm
This was a really good poem. For me its a relationship, and yet it is as if it is about bullying- "To feel unworthy is a bully's job"
BlackbeltJames GOLD said...
on Jun. 16 2013 at 8:46 am
Yeah, I found a couple of mistakes after posting it, but thanks for your comment and I'm glad you enjoyed it :D
BlackbeltJames GOLD said...
on Jun. 16 2013 at 8:45 am
Yeah I know, I spotted that after I posted it >.< It annoys me so much, but nobody notices so keep it to yourself hahha.
Thanks for your comment though, I'm glad you enjoyed it :D
Thanks for your comment though, I'm glad you enjoyed it :D
WrenArrington said...
on Jun. 15 2013 at 11:33 pm
You did a good job putting a new spin on a common topic. "In my hourglass heart your time is running thin" is the best line by far. I'm aware that poetry doesn't require perfect grammar, but there are a couple of places where you made errors, such as in the last line, when "its" should be "it's."
Carpe-Caffeam GOLD said...
on Jun. 15 2013 at 8:15 pm
I like this poem and how the other person's "time is running thin" in your "hourglass heart." I have one small suggestion, and that is in the line "but God only who knows", did you mean to say "but God only knows" or but it is only God that knows?" Otherwise, I love your creativity in this. Great job! :D Have a nice day!
LexusMarie PLATINUM said...
on Jun. 15 2013 at 2:23 pm
Hey there! I liked the title, it was appealing! And I think your author's comment was well written, I could not have said that any better, considering how relatable it is. I thought this was strongly written. I love the rhymes, they sort of lighten the mood. And I love how you ended it with a question. Great job!
BlackbeltJames GOLD said...
on Jun. 2 2013 at 3:55 pm
Thanks for the comment, it is much appreciated, and of course, I'd like to return the favour
This is a very common topic used in almost any form, yet its so different from person to person, due to various experiences with love. I think you captured the emotion very well and I love how each stanza is totally different from the next. Also, I really think the title ties in with everything as well. Your a really great writer! I'd love to read more! Also, due to your unique writing skills, would you mind giving me feedback on one of my pieces? Thank u soo much! :)
vaidaspade10 BRONZE said...
on Feb. 16 2013 at 10:04 pm
I agree with GoldieLocks19. It was great. The way you spoke in a backwards way to make it more in depth. I really liked it. You should read my poem "Smile." Don't let the name fool you, it is not at all what it seems to be.
BlackbeltJames GOLD said...
on Feb. 16 2013 at 7:17 pm
Thanks for the comment, I appreciate the fact that you like it and took the time to comment. Also, I will have a look at your poem, and I will definitley continue to write, I'll be submitting more soon :)
GoldieLocks15 SILVER said...
on Feb. 16 2013 at 5:14 pm
I really liked your last part to this, about your "hour glass heart" and you should really keep writing :) Also if you could check out my poem called Things Happen, that'd be wonderful, but it's up to you
