"She"

on Apr. 8 2013 at 1:31 pm

SaphiraBrightscales DIAMOND, Islamabad, Other
75 articles 16 photos 1136 comments

Favorite Quote:
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. - Maya Angelou When i was little/I used to point a chubby finger toward the dark sky/And ask my father/why some stars moved and others didn’t/He would laugh and explain that some were airplanes/I still wish on them today ~ Laugh-It-Out The feathers of a crow are black/The ink of my pen is blacker/The pain of my heart is blackest~ Mckay If love produced a blossom/I’d take it in my palm/What a blessing, the bright color!/How soothing, such a balm!/I’d keep a petal for my own/The rest, drop from my hands/For such a flower would multiply/And populate the lands~ thesilentraven And I began to rival legends/Long entombed before my birth./But for all my much envied fame/The lust for more would not abate./The plaques and prizes with my name/Will, like all things, disintegrate. ~ TheEpic95 now known as Helena_Noel

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Oh WOW i'm glad you like it but I must say it is quite irrhythmic ..no? .... I'm just BLOWN AWAY by the fact that you like my work this much.. WOW Thanks so much for reading this..

DIAMOND said...

on Apr. 7 2013 at 1:05 pm

you write powerfully, with appreciable descriptions, and I, being a feminist as well, have to totally thank you for this piece, which is really good. The way you merge ROFLing and 'an impecant child by life beguiled' is mindblowing. I wish to get some of writing aspects as well as you have gotten them!

DIAMOND said...

on Mar. 29 2013 at 10:40 am

SaphiraBrightscales DIAMOND, Islamabad, Other
75 articles 16 photos 1136 comments

Favorite Quote:
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. - Maya Angelou When i was little/I used to point a chubby finger toward the dark sky/And ask my father/why some stars moved and others didn’t/He would laugh and explain that some were airplanes/I still wish on them today ~ Laugh-It-Out The feathers of a crow are black/The ink of my pen is blacker/The pain of my heart is blackest~ Mckay If love produced a blossom/I’d take it in my palm/What a blessing, the bright color!/How soothing, such a balm!/I’d keep a petal for my own/The rest, drop from my hands/For such a flower would multiply/And populate the lands~ thesilentraven And I began to rival legends/Long entombed before my birth./But for all my much envied fame/The lust for more would not abate./The plaques and prizes with my name/Will, like all things, disintegrate. ~ TheEpic95 now known as Helena_Noel

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It did help a lot!! I guess by this experience that I'm definitely not the kind of person who can write a good piece when they're half-heartedly putting it together... I guess nobody can LOL, maybe some brilliant people who are just too awesome at it... I really appreciate the fact that you took all the time to into such depth as to explain each line like this... It's amazing,,.. I'm thinking if I ever need anything well-critiqued, I shall definitely ask you to do it for me.,,, A lot of it sure does sound confusing huh and I completely agree with the awkwardness of the lengths of the lines.. Thank You ever so much dear!! This means a lot to me. :)

BRONZE said...

on Mar. 28 2013 at 10:17 am

The length of lines is really awkward all through out. It may seem arbitrary, but they have dramatic affects. (Short/short lines=choppy, hurried, simplistic. Long/long lines (done well)=high flown, majestic. Long/short= stout and strudy, a declaration!!! ....and a billion combinations (short/long, short/shot/long, ect) that I havent mentioned.) Well, the lengths of the lines are all over the place even as the additude stayed the same. It felt wrong. I didnt really get the last line of yor first stanza, perhaps because it was a run on line with the word 'tis, which I dont think you used properly. The second stanza.... okay.... dont know. When I saw it I imidiately did what I do with an awkward stanza, I reaganged the lines in my mind to see if their were other orders I could place them in and still have them makes sense. I found two. Perhaps threason is that it starts strong, and ends a little weak. Usually, I come up with an Idea of where a stanza is going before writing it, that way it is the beginning that must bend to reach the end, not the end bending toward the beginning. It seems far more sensical to bend and touch your toes rather than kicking yourself in the face. ROFL seemed out of place and I wasnt sure how you wanted me to pronounce it, either way you did it would introduce an absurd amount of syllables. It also had this unstylistic feel to it. Your poem was mostly dramatic, but that was more suited to a sarcastic or humorous poem. Having it sort of dimminished the poem, like thinking something is truly grand, then having the magnifying glass removed. In the second to last stanza you started out fairly oddly. The first line was hard to understand, maybe "[for] man's crown"? Implying that she wasnt just a jewel or decoration....? Iight rework the whole stanza. Maybe something like: "God did not make her for man's crown, Subservant and complacent, Nor unworthy, trampled down But equal and adjacent." Though I still dont like that word, adjacent. It sounds mechanical, which is also the reason I removed the talk of under his limb ect, dispite the fact that I love, love, LOVE the image of a man with his arm protectivly about a woman, or a woman wraping the arm of a stumbling man about her shoulders and lifting him up. I've always been charmed by the image, but that was too technical sounding, not at all poetic! Also, "dominant", you probably meant the man, s you would have to say "he dominant, she complacent" if you chose to keep that. That is whay I swaped it with "subservant", because I didnt want to bother differentiating, i just said two two things God did not make her to be. Hope this helps! Perhaps I did misinterperate your thoughts.... If I can find time, I will take a look at the other work of yours, perhaps I will get a better idea of your opinion from that :)

DIAMOND said...

on Mar. 27 2013 at 4:45 am

SaphiraBrightscales DIAMOND, Islamabad, Other
75 articles 16 photos 1136 comments

Favorite Quote:
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. - Maya Angelou When i was little/I used to point a chubby finger toward the dark sky/And ask my father/why some stars moved and others didn’t/He would laugh and explain that some were airplanes/I still wish on them today ~ Laugh-It-Out The feathers of a crow are black/The ink of my pen is blacker/The pain of my heart is blackest~ Mckay If love produced a blossom/I’d take it in my palm/What a blessing, the bright color!/How soothing, such a balm!/I’d keep a petal for my own/The rest, drop from my hands/For such a flower would multiply/And populate the lands~ thesilentraven And I began to rival legends/Long entombed before my birth./But for all my much envied fame/The lust for more would not abate./The plaques and prizes with my name/Will, like all things, disintegrate. ~ TheEpic95 now known as Helena_Noel

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Obviously!! I want to hear your technical thoughts!! And NOWAY that is so cool! I mean that's why we put this stuff up here, to learn other people's views about it...I know this isn't my best,,,ANd HEy,, no I think you got the meaning a bit incorrectly or mabe I conveyed it incorrectly..... Anyway I totally agree with you on that! The first four or five lines that you wrot eabout what you think..I think that too. I mean I'm not really saing they're the same,, Duh! That wouldn't even make any sense just that discrimintion, bad discrimination that is,,..you get what I mean by that right? ....It's sometimes so severe that it sends women into inferiority complexes and no way are they actually inferior in any way...but of course it is our differences that make us be able to live together, work together, love eachother,be ourselves and yet not degradde the other...That's what I wanted to say,,,... But you know now I come to think of it I didn't really write this one with my heart in it,,, I wrote another one with all my heart in it,, Though you may disagree with stuff I wrote,,, I wrote fiercly,, Hey and if you read it, before you read it, I didn't mean to generalize anything it was just one person's story and some people are like that not all (who discriminate that is) and it was for those few, the jibes and all....I titled it "What She's Worth"

ELITE said...

on Mar. 26 2013 at 4:30 pm

Well, you're not supposed to put your actual picture up, so I chose one from google that looked like me :)

BRONZE said...

on Mar. 26 2013 at 10:18 am

Hmm... its okay, I guess. I liked the subject, athough I think our opinions are differant. I tend to believe that men and women are equal, but different. Men are more naturally potectors and providors, women are more natirally the helpmate and caregiver. Any man caught saying "oh, i think a MAN makes a better primary caregiver in general...." would never finnish the sentance because he would be hit with a combination of socks and slaps from both sexes. Men are an outer wall, women are castle guards defending the interior of the family... now I just blathering at random! Tolerate me, please. Do you want to hear my.. uh... technical break down of it? You have skill, and I can see that, but I hate pointing out the things that need improvment to people I disagree with, they tend to think I'm picking on them. I give you a 2/5, but I have given high ratings to poems I dont agree with (....as if that could soften the blow...? Sorry.) But I really wanna see you do well. Tell me if you wanna hear my technical thoughts.

DIAMOND said...

on Mar. 26 2013 at 5:47 am

SaphiraBrightscales DIAMOND, Islamabad, Other
75 articles 16 photos 1136 comments

Favorite Quote:
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. - Maya Angelou When i was little/I used to point a chubby finger toward the dark sky/And ask my father/why some stars moved and others didn’t/He would laugh and explain that some were airplanes/I still wish on them today ~ Laugh-It-Out The feathers of a crow are black/The ink of my pen is blacker/The pain of my heart is blackest~ Mckay If love produced a blossom/I’d take it in my palm/What a blessing, the bright color!/How soothing, such a balm!/I’d keep a petal for my own/The rest, drop from my hands/For such a flower would multiply/And populate the lands~ thesilentraven And I began to rival legends/Long entombed before my birth./But for all my much envied fame/The lust for more would not abate./The plaques and prizes with my name/Will, like all things, disintegrate. ~ TheEpic95 now known as Helena_Noel

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Read up! "What she's worth" :DD.... HEy you changed your picture..Whose is it? Isn't it weird how avatars photos on TeenInk are mostly so blurred..

PLATINUM said...

on Mar. 24 2013 at 11:40 am

You're welcome xD

ELITE said...

on Mar. 24 2013 at 11:32 am

Which ones again? Sorry :P

DIAMOND said...

on Mar. 23 2013 at 11:38 am

SaphiraBrightscales DIAMOND, Islamabad, Other
75 articles 16 photos 1136 comments

Favorite Quote:
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. - Maya Angelou When i was little/I used to point a chubby finger toward the dark sky/And ask my father/why some stars moved and others didn’t/He would laugh and explain that some were airplanes/I still wish on them today ~ Laugh-It-Out The feathers of a crow are black/The ink of my pen is blacker/The pain of my heart is blackest~ Mckay If love produced a blossom/I’d take it in my palm/What a blessing, the bright color!/How soothing, such a balm!/I’d keep a petal for my own/The rest, drop from my hands/For such a flower would multiply/And populate the lands~ thesilentraven And I began to rival legends/Long entombed before my birth./But for all my much envied fame/The lust for more would not abate./The plaques and prizes with my name/Will, like all things, disintegrate. ~ TheEpic95 now known as Helena_Noel

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Hey, it's on the website!! Plus too more poems if you have time :P

DIAMOND said...

on Mar. 23 2013 at 11:37 am

SaphiraBrightscales DIAMOND, Islamabad, Other
75 articles 16 photos 1136 comments

Favorite Quote:
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. - Maya Angelou When i was little/I used to point a chubby finger toward the dark sky/And ask my father/why some stars moved and others didn’t/He would laugh and explain that some were airplanes/I still wish on them today ~ Laugh-It-Out The feathers of a crow are black/The ink of my pen is blacker/The pain of my heart is blackest~ Mckay If love produced a blossom/I’d take it in my palm/What a blessing, the bright color!/How soothing, such a balm!/I’d keep a petal for my own/The rest, drop from my hands/For such a flower would multiply/And populate the lands~ thesilentraven And I began to rival legends/Long entombed before my birth./But for all my much envied fame/The lust for more would not abate./The plaques and prizes with my name/Will, like all things, disintegrate. ~ TheEpic95 now known as Helena_Noel

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Thank You! Love ya so much for reading it! Thank You again! <3 <3

PLATINUM said...

on Mar. 21 2013 at 3:54 pm

I really liked it! Good job!!! xD

ELITE said...

on Mar. 12 2013 at 9:26 am

No problem :)

DIAMOND said...

on Mar. 11 2013 at 11:02 pm

SaphiraBrightscales DIAMOND, Islamabad, Other
75 articles 16 photos 1136 comments

Favorite Quote:
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. - Maya Angelou When i was little/I used to point a chubby finger toward the dark sky/And ask my father/why some stars moved and others didn’t/He would laugh and explain that some were airplanes/I still wish on them today ~ Laugh-It-Out The feathers of a crow are black/The ink of my pen is blacker/The pain of my heart is blackest~ Mckay If love produced a blossom/I’d take it in my palm/What a blessing, the bright color!/How soothing, such a balm!/I’d keep a petal for my own/The rest, drop from my hands/For such a flower would multiply/And populate the lands~ thesilentraven And I began to rival legends/Long entombed before my birth./But for all my much envied fame/The lust for more would not abate./The plaques and prizes with my name/Will, like all things, disintegrate. ~ TheEpic95 now known as Helena_Noel

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I didn't like this one that much myself as it wasn't that heartfelt,....I'm happy that you liked it but I think you'll like "What she's Worth" for REAL, that one was heartfelt and full of feeling... :D Thanks for reading :))))

ELITE said...

on Mar. 11 2013 at 9:53 am

Hi! I didn't understand all of it, but liked it:) The message was good, and I liked the 2nd to last paragraph especially. Nice job! 5/5

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