When I was fourteen,
I was nothing but spindly toothpick legs
Brittle hair
And blue fingers
nothing but
Rules, restrictions, numbers
Nothing but
Clean empty beautiful
clean empty beautiful
clean empty beautiful
clean empty beautiful
Bouncing off the walls of my messy, crowded brain as I walked up to the altar to be cleansed of my sins
As I excused myself to the bathroom
As I spit the blood and body of Jesus Christ amen into the trashcan
Stared at the girl in the mirror
And cried

When I was fifteen,
My friends asked me how I stayed so thin
And I told them
Eating healthy and exercising daily
While my heart fought to keep beating
Against the tide of
Mustnoteat
Mustnoteat
Mustnoteat
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Against the constant numbers running through my head
5 calories in a can of soup
1 hour on the treadmill
3 more pounds to go

Now, I’m seventeen
I am long and lanky and healthy
My heart is strong
And no longer begs me to give up
I eat what I want
And run because I like to
But
No one asks me how I keep my body beautiful
And that’s okay

Because I love my body
I love myself
I love who I am, where I’ve been, and how much I’ve grown
And I love her
She loves my body
She loves who I am, where I’ve been and how much I’ve grown
And that’s really all I need
To keep going.