1.
I am talking to him
he is leaning against the brick wall of my elementary school
and I imagine the world is turned sideways and we
are lying on our backs watching the sky
his feet are pointing at the constellations instead of propping him up
I am looking for myself in him
for my reflection in his eyes
for my reflection in his feelings for me

2.
I wonder if the phone bill will read that we talked for five hours
and did not get off the phone until two in the morning
because I want to send that receipt out like a wedding invitation to everyone I know
It doesn’t matter what he says as long as it is his face on the other end of the line
it doesn’t matter that he tells his best friend it is okay to rape me
I choose to ignore it like my parents calling on the other line
I am choosing to believe in his humanity

3.
They pay my friend to wear short shorts to school
I pretend it is just a rumor
I lean against our brick wall
I pretend his eyes are focused on me and not her

4.
He threatens to rape my friend
he threatens her with duct tape the colour of bruises
and leaves her knees scraped as he drags her
he doesn’t do it
he is a ridiculous religion that I choose to believe in because I don’t know how to grow up
I am still a child
I do not even ask why

5.
They expel him from the school
pretend it isn’t too late
his spell still hasn’t faded
I tell her I just want one more email, one more message, one more call
I have never had to let go of anything before
I have never had to give up on someone


6.
When she tells me the whole story
my mouth tastes like gunpowder
his shadows haunt the area under my eyes
how could I be this stupid
this is all my fault
I can feel the duct tape in one hand
the gun in the other
and I can’t stop crying
because I fell for a monster
and I can’t stop my sociopathy and feel sorry for anyone but myself

7.
Different medications I swallow each morning
to keep the sickness down
to push the shame to the bottom of my too shallow ocean
I am tieing my kid laces Rx, Rx, Rx,
I am looking for him in me
searching for his teeth in my smile
for his glint in my eyes
for his tan in my skin
I am searching for his brick wall in my closet
but let’s get one thing straight
I never wanted to cut myself
I always wanted to rip my teeth out of my mouth
like bullets from battle scars
so that no one would ever have the common indecency to ask me to smile for a picture again

8.
time does not heal all wounds
but the dementia sets in that makes us forget their names and faces
that is the only way we can stay sane
because I see his face in the subways in Tokyo and the beaches in Australia
and I still see the constellations when I shouldn’t
because sleeping is not an option
but living and moving on just might be