closing my eyes doesn't work anymore
all i see are yours
staring at me
but it's not a connection i fear
because you're eyes were empty
and i could see through them to
a secret place where you were all you scorned
a secret place where you were all you scorned
a secret place where you were all you scorned
honored i accepted
but it wasn’t you

sliding and touching and enjoying
you were surprised that i smiled
that wasn't the answer for you
yet it was the only question i cared about
that was the red light i ran
lost in you i became lost in myself

you seemed so unreachable
as i felt you on my skin
you barricaded the exits and lifted your chin
in expectation of my soul
but trust me
if i could find it i'd give it to you
anything then to make it better

it was your fantasies that focused on me
the subject
the object
not the one i knew
not the one i chose to be with

what was i then
not who i was
but who i am

is it my fear of connection
or the fear of a connection i that acknowledged

i'm done with what you did
i'm over my mind's hauntings
waking up in shakes and sweats
and living as if i'm not
is decorative but desolate
something i never thought i'd be

if the rule of exception is that
i must be different
then i failed in that test of
a common difference

i’ve made it so that i can’t sleep on my back
because i’m reminded you who put me there

sleep may put all men on their backs
but men put women on their backs to make up for it

welcome to the unknown horrors of your kind
where they kill the fabricthread of my mind
but in reality whose fault has come to time
because my silence can be nobodies but mine