i should’ve said something.
i know now, but it is too late.
far too late.
that day, when we were walking side-by-side,
i  looked at you,
only to see that you were deep in thought.
you were nervous, afraid,
and you had every reason to be.
your recent disappearances,
those faraway smiles of nostalgia,
i should’ve known something was wrong.
i did know something was wrong.
i had seen those scars that you hadn’t tried to cover,
because nobody had noticed for years.
and one day i did.

and i’m sure your world came crashing down,
and you began to hide.
i saw the change.
i saw you change.
but i still didn’t know why,
even though we had talked about it.
and you avoided the topic so easily,
like a kitten away from water,
and at the time,
i didn’t even realize.

and then i remember the mistake i made,
the mistake of not caring,
and then it began,
like the calm before a storm.
but that night,
you finally exploded.

and you were never the same.

but that calm winter day,
when there was no sound but the clicking of heels,
and we at least pretended to act normal,
i should’ve opened my mouth,
and asked you that question once more.
but i didn’t.

nobody would’ve known what i wanted to ask.
no one but you and me,
and although i knew it was something you buried,
deep in the caves of your own mind,
i should’ve helped while i could.
even though you didn’t me to..

and now i’m standing here,
realizing with a heavy heart,
that if i had said something,
then you might still be here today,
smiling and laughing,
and maybe for once,
they wouldn’t be fake.

you were always too good of an actor.
you said it too, yourself,
but I didn’t believe you,
because when have i ever seen you act?
you were always so real, so honest,
and i wish that I had been able to see that none of it was true.
i didn’t know you.
i still don’t.

you were nothing but a stranger,
so why am I here, standing in front of a podium,
talking as if we were friends?
i’m sorry i never said anything.
i’m sorry i knew.
i’m sorry i didn’t seem to care.
i’m sorry it’s too late.
i’m sorry i looked the other way.
i’m sorry.
for everything.

and now,
I’m running out of words,
and it’s so unlike me and so unlike you,
because I remember spending seconds and seconds,
and minutes and minutes,
and hours and hours,
talking about things  that seem like nothing now.
but now my mind is empty,
just like yours.

but let me tell you one last thing.
i did care.
i may not have truly known you,
but in a way i did.
because I know that the girl I spent my time laughing with,
she was real,
whether you believe it or not,
she was real.
you were real.
and if I could go back,
and change one thing,
I would choose to make you understand and see,
that I loved you for it.