I was

breathless and confused,

angry but

relieved to know he felt the same.

I spent six hours

with his voice in my ear

on my bedroom floor,

eyes closed,

wishing I was right beside him

because that's what it felt like

when he laughed

His laugh

was my favorite thing about him,

my eyes were his

It was only a few hours

into this new thing

an us, but

“we could have been together for years”,

he told me.

And I think my heart stopped.

But I didn’t know how to tell him that,

seemed to personal.

Like how I can count

the exact number of times

he’s had his arms around me and

remember

each reason why

I can name

every moment

where I’ve almost kissed him,

he would have been my first.

He would have

if I hadn’t messed up.

The first time was disastrous but

the second? This?

This is permanent

emptiness,

and without him

I can do nothing

but close my eyes

and wish I was right beside him

I can do nothing

but wonder

what could have been.